


Looking at you

by Dunloth



Category: Naruto
Genre: Art by Sinyaru, Complicated Relationships, Embedded Images, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kakashi makes it complicated, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, casual alcohol drinking, friends try to help, some curse words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-01-12 07:04:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 25,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18441491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dunloth/pseuds/Dunloth
Summary: Iruka looks at Kakashi when no one sees.





	1. You’re staring at him again

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 8 contains amazing art from [Sinyaru](https://sinyaru.tumblr.com/).

Iruka looks at Kakashi when no one sees.

Like now, with Kakashi in a booth at the bottom of the bar, spending some time with his jounin colleagues, unaware of Iruka who sits with his own friends in a table by the door.

Iruka looks at Kakashi and imagines the face under that unavoidable mask. He imagines how it would feel to touch that face, to graze the pale skin of those cheeks with the back of his dark skinned hand. To touch soft stubble after some time without shaving.

Would he have scars under that mask? Maybe a couple. Iruka’s knuckles would softly feel and follow the raised skin of the vertical scar going down from Kakashi’s left eye. Perhaps he would feel some other small scars crossing his lips. Oh, his lips.

Iruka shivers when he thinks of Kakashi’s lips. Of his own ink stained fingertips brushing them. His thumb slowly moving over the lower lip.

How would Kakashi’s mouth be? Iruka imagines thin, soft, pale lips. Drawing smiles which are barely there. Small, sad smiles. Fated to never be seen.

 

⁂

 

“Iruka. You’re staring at him again.”

Iruka is startled by Izumo’s amused words. He blushes and looks back into his beer. So much for secrecy.

“No, I was… I was just…”

Izumo smiles at his embarrassment.

“No need to explain, man. You’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

“Have I?” Iruka’s reply is half-hearted. No need to pretend any longer in front of his friend.

“Yes, you have. Are you going to talk to him anytime soon?”

Iruka takes a slow sip from his bottle and sighs. His gaze has been down all the time.

“Don’t think so. What for?”

“What? Iruka, this is not like you at all. Come on, you are Mister Sunshine. You are the encouraging one here, remember? What’s with this sudden lack of confidence?”

Iruka forces a lighter expression on his face.

“Nothing. Just, he’s out of my league. Let’s not talk about this, okay? Tell me about your mission to Suna. Did something interesting happen?”

Izumo frowns a little but indulges Iruka and drops the matter. They make small talk for a while. Kotetsu comes back from the bar with a fresh round of beers, and the conversation gets more animated.

 

⁂

 

A couple of rounds later Iruka leaves the bar, a little tipsy, mostly tired. The day has been long. Izumo and Kotetsu left together, again. The night air outside is pleasantly fresh after the heat and the racket of the bar, and the contrast makes Iruka shiver. He wraps his arms around himself.

The conversation with Izumo comes back to his mind. There’s a reason he won’t tell Kakashi about his feelings, but it’s not something he would discuss with Izumo. A ghost of pain stirs inside his chest.

His mind goes back to a night some months ago in his favorite onsen, when by accident he overheard Kakashi talking to Gai.

 

⁂

 

He had been soaking pleasantly for a while after a long day of work, almost asleep, thinking about what he would prepare for dinner, when he heard soft voices coming from the pools by the other side of the bamboo screen at his back.

He recognized Gai’s voice, surprisingly subdued and moderated in volume. Seconds later a cold shock run through his spine when he found out that the second man’s voice belonged to Kakashi.

Kakashi, his crush. His torment. The one person he tried to keep away from, to remove from his musings. With no success. And could he call what he felt a crush anymore? No, he had to admit that after all those years it wouldn’t be accurate. The definition should be updated. But he was reluctant to call it otherwise, afraid of admitting the depth of those feelings. It would hurt. It already hurt enough as it was. No need to make it worse.

And now his non-crush, or whatever, was in this onsen saying quite intimate things to his rival for life. Iruka knew he didn’t belong there.

It was wrong staying, he knew, but it was not entirely his fault. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong moment. He could have run away. He could have made some noise or chakra signal to let the other men know they were not alone. But he didn’t. He got frozen in his place, listening with fascination.

And what he heard crushed his non-supposed-to-be-there hopes.

 


	2. Some day you'll see

The night is cool outside, though the warmth of the hot springs water makes it pleasant. A few stars sparkle, cottony clouds dance over the moon making it appear and disappear. Soft light coming from the lanterns illuminates the two only men in the onsen pool, talking softly, only their heads visible above the water. One with a spiky unruly silver mop, the other with a bowl cut of raven black shiny hair. 

“Family life is not for shinobi like us. No one should have to live with the constant uncertainty of waiting for your loved one to come back from their current mission or not. I wouldn’t ask anyone to live like that.” 

“But that’s just wrong! You have to live your life to the max, rival. People is not supposed to go through it empty. There’s more to it. You have to love and be loved. What’s the point of giving it your all if there is no one to protect, to come back to? That’s not right. It’s the ultimate Will of Fire, applied to your own life!” The words are spoken with vehemence, emphasized by a raised fist.

“Why are you lecturing me, Gai? It’s not like you have anyone like that,” the silver-haired one says, with a bored side glance.

“Well, no, I don’t, but that’s because my moment has not come yet. I have this youthful goal to find the right person at some point, and form a family. You’ll see, Kakashi.”

“I’m glad you have your goal and all, congratulations. I can’t wait to see little green munchkins running around yelling about youth.”

Gai looks at Kakashi, frustrated.

“So, you will keep yourself away from happiness? You will stay alone? No life partner? No kids? Will you let the Hatake name die with you?”

Those are harsh words coming from Gai. Kakashi is surprised by them. He smiles his fake eye-smile.

“Maa, Gai, the Hatake clan died years ago. I’ll try to be around for as long as I can, but it’s just a question of a few years. I don’t think I’ll die of old age. Nothing can be done about it.”

Gai sighs and sinks back into the water.

“Also, you surely must have noticed in all these years that I am not really into women. Difficult to get children like that.”

They never talked about that before. Gai seems to be thinking hard, silent for a while. Then he speaks softly.

“That is not the point, Kakashi. It pains me to think that you are okay with living a lonely life. We are Konoha shinobi. We deserve better.“

“Alone is the best for me, Gai. Don’t worry. It’s no big deal.” Kakashi stretches and gets out of the water and into the changing room.

“But it is,” Gai mutters. He is sorry he drove Kakashi away again, like every time he tries to talk about these matters. To talk some sense into his aloof esteemed rival. Kakashi always runs away from the conversation. Gai refuses to give up, of course. What kind of friend would he be? He’ll try again some other time.

'You’ll see, Kakashi. Some day you’ll see,' he thinks.

 


	3. Do I make you feel uneasy?

Iruka is lost in the appalling memories of that night at the onsen, halfway home in the quiet night. He goes back suddenly to the present when he feels something unsettling through the slight haze of alcohol. A presence, a hint of familiar chakra.

Iruka looks up to the tree branches above and sees a shinobi silhouette he knows by heart, outlined by the moonlight. Hatake Kakashi is perched on one of his usual reading spots. But there’s not enough light to be reading now.

He is not in the mood for this. Kakashi is the last person he wants to see now. 

“Kakashi-san. What are you doing here?” Iruka sends him a wary look.

“Wow, sensei, so rude. Am I not allowed to enjoy some fresh air on a nice night like this?”

He jumps fluidly to the floor, without a noise. He stands by Iruka, slouching, hands in his pockets.

“On your way home, I assume? Mind some company?”

Iruka doesn’t have the heart to refuse the offer. He nods and starts walking again. He pointedly doesn’t look at Kakashi, who is strolling by him as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Do I make you feel uneasy?” asks Kakashi out of the blue.

“Yes, a bit.” There’s no point in denying it.

“Hm. I hoped we could have a private conversation. There is something important I want to tell you.”

Iruka’s curiosity is piqued. What can Hatake Kakashi possibly want to discuss with him, of all people? They are not exactly close. Their interactions have been more often discussions than civil conversations.

“I’ll go straight to the point. I noticed you taking interest in me lately. You’ve been looking at me. Is there something you need to tell me?”

“What?” Iruka stops, shocked, flushing fiercely.

Kakashi turns to him.

“I said, is there something you have to tell me?” He looks as detached and bored as always. As if he hadn’t turned Iruka’s world upside down with that simple question.

“Are you mocking me, Kakashi-san? Because I’m not taking any shit like this.” Iruka is shaking, with rage, with despair.

“Listen, Iruka, I’m not mocking you. I‘m being serious here. I think you might have an… Infatuation with me.”

Iruka is speechless, still shaking, breathing hard. Kakashi goes on, with a voice empty of any kind of emotion that pierces Iruka’s soul.

“You need to stop it before you get hurt. I don’t do relationships. You should put your hopes on someone who can return your feelings and make you happy. I could never be that person.” 

Kakashi looks him in the eye. Iruka’s face has gone from red to pale, livid from shock and a turmoil of emotions. Humiliation is the strongest of them now. He lowers his face to the ground, unable to stand Kakashi’s gaze. His hands are white-knuckled fists.

“Leave. Please.” His words are barely a whisper.

Kakashi steps back, one step, two, slowly. Then he jumps to the tree branches again and gets lost in the night.

Iruka stays for a while in that spot, shaking, until his breath gets back to something like normal and his legs start working again. He gets home somehow, doesn’t really remember how. He closes the door, falls back against it, slides down to the floor. He holds his legs against his chest, rests his face on his knees, and stays like that for hours.

 


	4. Would it be so terrible, senpai?

“You did  _what_?” Yamato is aghast.

Kakashi doesn’t repeat himself. He and Yamato are having lunch in a small dingy sushi restaurant they have been visiting for years. The food is not very good, but it is up to elite shinobi paranoia standards. It is a quiet place and they can talk without being heard.

Yamato shakes his head, with a look of disapproval.

“Senpai, sometimes I don’t know if you really are  _that_ clueless with other people’s emotions, or you know what you are doing to people but you don’t care.”

“Spare me the scolding, Tenzou. It had to be done. It’s better this way. Now he thinks I’m a jerk. Which I am. Everything back to normal.”

“Right. All of it was in Iruka-sensei’s best interest.” His voice is bitter.

“Hm.”

“That must have hurt him.”

Kakashi flinches under the mask. 

“Better a sting now that a train-wreck later. I couldn’t take it any longer, Tenzou. The way he looked at me. It made me feel…"

Kakashi doesn’t find the right word. Now Yamato is interested.

“Really? Did it make you feel something? That would be a new thing. I find it hard to believe.”

Kakashi just found the word. And he is somewhat surprised and not entirely pleased. He won’t speak it loud.

The word might be _happy_.

Or, well, there might be some other words. _Warm. Loved. At ease._

They all are dangerous words for someone like him.

“Would it be so terrible, senpai? To give it a try? Iruka-sensei looks like a nice person. If you are into men, that is. I wouldn’t mind someone like him having a crush on me.” 

“Don’t worry. You’ll find someone nice, I’m sure. You are a good person. Reliable. You are father material. I’ve seen you looking at civilian families. I’m sure in a few years the kunoichi all around will be competing for you. Remember my words.” 

As usual, Tenzou is not sure if his senpai is making fun of him or not when he speaks like this. He doesn’t reply, just in case.

'And would it really be so terrible?' Kakashi thinks. Well, perhaps not for himself, but it would be for sure for Iruka. No one deserved to get burdened with the disaster of a person that is Hatake Kakashi.

They finish their lunch. Kakashi manages to push the bill on Yamato again. Life goes on.

 


	5. We could have been great

Life goes on for Iruka as well. The sun gets up normally after that dreadful night. He is cold and sore after the long hours sitting on the floor. He didn’t sleep at all. 

He takes a hot shower hoping to feel a little better. The warmth of the water soothes his sore joints but not his sore soul. He prepares some food and a thermos with strong coffee to get through the day, gets dressed and leaves for the academy.

Life doesn’t stop just because your world has been shattered. The Universe doesn’t care.

The day is excruciating. The kids seem particularly annoying today. Probably they are not, but Iruka’s patience today is short. 

When the bell rings at the end of the school day Iruka feels an unusual relief. He still has a shift in the mission desk though.

 

⁂

 

“You look like shit,” Genma greets him with a smirk when he enters the room in the Hokage tower.

So sensitive. It’s not exactly what Iruka needs right now. His expression must be showing his sudden impulse to erase Genma’s smirk with a punch and make him swallow that damn senbon. It surprises Genma.

“Is everything okay?”

“No, it’s not. Today’s not a good day for me. Leave me alone, Genma.”

Iruka realizes about his mistake before finishing the sentence. Genma is a good friend but he is extremely nosy. He won’t leave Iruka alone until he discovers what is bothering him. And Iruka doesn’t feel like explaining. Not today. Not anytime soon. Perhaps never.

So the rest of the shift passes with Iruka tired and grumpy, answering Genma’s annoying questions with one-word answers, and in general wanting to go home and hide his head under a pillow.

“Iruka, are you okay? Did anything wrong happen?” 

Izumo’s questions annoy him less than Genma’s ones, but still he doesn’t feel like telling him. He shakes his head and sighs.

“Nothing bad, I’ll be fine in a couple days. Sorry, Izumo. Don’t feel like talking about it right now.”

Izumo squeezes his shoulder and leaves him alone. He comes back a little later with a cup of hot chamomile tea for Iruka.

“Take care, Iruka. Let me know if you need something. Or if you just don’t want to be alone.”

“Thank you.” Iruka smiles to him and feels a little better.

The shift is not very busy, luckily. Iruka leaves fifteen minutes before his time. He had enough of this day.

 

⁂

 

“What happened to him?”, Genma asks Izumo.

“I don’t know. Stop nagging him, Genma. Whatever it is he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“It must be something big. I’ve never seen him leave before the exact time.”

“Well, I guess he will tell us when he feels like it.”

 

⁂

 

Iruka has been tossing and turning for a while. He is exhausted but sleep won’t come. His thoughts go back to his conversation with Kakashi. Well, it was more of a monologue, indeed. He didn’t get to talk much.

‘ _Infatuation_ , he called it.’ Iruka snorts, aggravated. ‘How dare he! That arrogant, inconsiderate, snooty, cold asshole. What does he know about “infatuations”? That bastard hasn’t had a single feeling for anyone in his sad excuse of a life!  _Cold-blooded Kakashi_ , they called him.  _Friend-killer Kakashi_. Accurate names.’

‘ _I don’t do relationships_ , said the son of a bitch. Ha, as if anyone in their right mind would want a relationship with that prick. Who does he think he is?‘

Iruka jerks out of the bed, infuriated. He’s been alternating between fits of anger and dejection. He would like to get some peace of mind, but he knows himself and his temper. He’ll be unbalanced for at least another couple of days.

‘Fuck, Kakashi. We could have been good together. We could have been great’, he thinks with a pang of sadness. He opens the window and rests his arms on the shelf, breathing some fresh air, looking outside at the windy night. 

Iruka usually is a good judge of character. Well, he sometimes screws up big time, like everyone else. Mizuki crosses his mind for a brief moment, but he pushes his memory away.

But in general his impressions about people are spot on. And he got a good impression of Kakashi. That is, before their disaster of an interaction yesterday. 

Being realistic, he never had high hopes about him because Kakashi is so out of his league it hurts. He is famous, important, a genius, elite shinobi, ex ANBU. Hokage material.  _Sharingan no Kakashi_ , the pride of Konoha. And Iruka is a simple chunin schoolteacher. Not many chances to get together, honestly.

But a man can dream. And fantasize. It’s not like Iruka was madly in love with Kakashi. He just indulged a little with his daydreaming.

And the few times they talked before he felt a kind of connection. Since their first encounter, in that mission gone wrong so many years ago. And those times when Kakashi gave him advice about Naruto. And those other times Kakashi came to help him. Hell, he saved his life more than once. 

They had ugly arguments also, yes, but that also says something about them, the way Kakashi gets under his skin and manages to push his buttons. Kakashi for sure gets a strong reaction from him.

But this has been a huge disappointment. He didn’t think Kakashi was cruel.

‘Well, another big error of judgement. I suppose one learns from these things.’

Iruka goes back to bed. After some time his exhaustion wins and he falls asleep.

 


	6. Dreams are only dreams

Iruka goes on. Some weeks pass. He feels better. His mood improves. He’s back to normal on the outside. He still hurts inside, though. But he pushes it deep down under and manages to look content. He doesn’t look at Kakashi anymore.

 

⁂

 

Kakashi, however, is not back to normal. Well, his previous  _normal_ was not exactly normal anyway. But now he is kind of unbalanced, and it is affecting his performance.

It started quite some time before he approached Iruka to end his absurd crush. Iruka’s stealth when observing him was very good for a chunin, but it was not ANBU level. Kakashi noticed him months ago. And given the lack of killing intent or menacing vibes Kakashi deduced Iruka’s motivation was something quite different. That pointed at another far-fetched possible reason.

Kakashi wonders what could Iruka find interesting in him. Well, he knows people often finds him attractive, even with the mask hiding his face. But this fascination usually doesn’t survive direct contact with his infuriating personality. Kakashi is annoying on purpose. It keeps people away.

And Iruka is the opposite. He is friendly and kind. In Kakashi’s opinion, too friendly for a shinobi, too kind for his own good. But it is part of what makes him interesting. How a shinobi could keep the darkness away, how Iruka managed to do that, Kakashi would very much like to know. Iruka is like a riddle to solve.

However, letting Iruka get near him is dangerous. Iruka’s humanity can soften Kakashi. He can’t allow himself to lose his edge. And it was also starting to be distracting. Kakashi found himself thinking about Iruka in the middle of several missions lately. 

Better cut it all in the root.

But after it is done, after seeing Iruka so affected by it, Kakashi is not feeling better. He wouldn’t stop thinking about Iruka. His hurt, embarrassed expression. His gaze avoiding him.

Kakashi is surprised about his own reaction. 

 

⁂

 

_Darkness around, smell of blood and smoke, of death. Noises of people fighting, metal weapons clashing, cries of pain. Kakashi’s grip on his kunai is unsteady, it keeps slipping from his hand because of the blood. There’s too much blood, soaking his clothes, dripping from his hair, getting into his eyes, soaking his mask. He tries to wipe it from his eyes. He can’t see properly. He almost can’t breathe._

_He’s drowning in blood._

_Overpowered by a sudden need to get away from the battle, he runs in the darkness. He manages to avoid the fighters around and runs, runs, blindly. He stumbles and falls over a couple of times, keeps running. He has to get away._

_He falls into a pool, sinking into the freezing dark water that washes the blood away. He goes down, down. He tries to swim up, frantically, but his vest and weapons make him sink deeper. He can see a beam of light up in the surface, calling for him. The first thing he can see since forever. There is a silhouette of a person outside. He wants to go there._

_He struggles desperately to swim up but he keeps sinking. He is running out of time. He is drowning, getting out of air and very cold. His movements get slower._

_And there is no point in trying. Outside there is nothing for him but more blood, more fight and death._

_This is it. He stops swimming and sinks deeper, deeper. The light is dying. After a very, very long time everything is darkness. He doesn’t know if his eyes are open or closed anymore. He doesn’t care. He just goes down and down._

⁂

 

Kakashi wakes up with a silent start, his heart racing, his hands clutching the sheets. Right, a nightmare. He tries to calm down and get rid of the soul crushing feeling, while scanning the room which is not his own. Hospital, again. He lets his head drop on the pillow with a grunt.

With the awareness comes the pain. Chakra exhaustion. Poisoning hangover. Some broken ribs, and a topping of a headache from hell. All important injuries mostly healed, but he feels weak like a pup. He hates being incapacitated.

He is getting sloppy. Those missing nins wouldn’t have got him off-guard if he had been as focused as he used to be before all of this mess with Iruka. 

The feeling of the nightmare lingers. The most unsettling part is not that he was drowning. It was the final acceptance. Being okay with sinking down.

No, that’s not right. He will never go there. He promised himself long ago. After his father. That is not an option. Even when it really doesn’t matter, even when he is not letting anyone down. That will never be an acceptable option for him.

Dreams are only dreams. Let them haunt him and vanish in the light of day. Dreams and ghosts have no power.

Exhausted, Kakashi falls asleep again. This time he doesn’t dream.

 


	7. A rookie mistake

Damned dreams. He almost preferred the nightmares.

Kakashi wakes up sweaty and painfully hard once again. It’s been like this all week, since he came back from the hospital. He doesn’t need to have wet dreams starring faceless tan men with long brown hair. Yeah, anonymous, his ass. He feels betrayed by his own subconscious. How is this happening? He wants to bang his head on the wall.

He gets out of bed and takes a shower. He considers taking care of his not-so-little problem, but he’s too upset, so he turns the cold water on and makes his erection go away. Damn. Not his favorite way to start the day.

He is still stranded by Tsunade’s decree, recovering from his injuries and getting his strength back. There will be still about a week of forced down time. He might as well try to enjoy it.

He feels steady enough to go to the memorial. He hopes it will help him to feel settled again and see things more clearly, as it does usually.

 

⁂

 

Twenty minutes later Kakashi is back at his flat, cursing internally. Not only it started to rain right after he left home, but also two minutes later he suddenly felt sick and almost fainted in the middle of the street. He forsake the visit to the memorial and dragged his feet back home trying to go unnoticed. The last thing he needs today is someone noticing his sorry state and mocking him. Embarrassing, and annoying.

Not a good day, definitely. He prepares a light breakfast and drowns his sulky mood with some coffee. 

 

⁂

 

Kakashi is not feeling very proud of himself lately. He has been acting like a genin with a crush, looking for excuses to observe Iruka from far away. 

He is a stalker. No point in lying to himself.

He blames it on the dreams. Every morning he wakes up feeling an Iruka-shaped void in his bed, in his life. It’s not only erotic anymore. Sometimes he dreams of Iruka just being there with him doing boring things and he feels content and warm in a way he wasn’t since he was a child, before all Bad Things started to happen.

He is not oblivious enough to ignore what this feeling is. Just, he is reluctant to admit it. To call it by its proper name. That would be like giving it more power over himself. And he is fucked enough as he is. No need to make it worse.

Being in love is a new experience for Kakashi and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

His judgement is not very steady when it comes to Iruka. So, given that trying to avoid thinking of Iruka didn’t work at all, he decides to try the opposite approach: he is going to indulge in his need to see Iruka until he gets fed up with him. He intends to stop craving after Iruka via overexposure.

And that is why today he is again perched on the tree with the best view over Iruka’s classroom, using his ANBU stealth.

Iruka is amazing. How can he deal with all those little monsters, Kakashi doesn’t know. But he manages to keep their chaos under control and fill their tiny heads with not-so-random pieces of information that will probably save their lives some day in the far future. Day after day. 

Like the current lesson, on pressure points on the neck. How to render an enemy briefly unconscious by pinching them exactly like that. Iruka makes some kids stand up and practice it, to demonstrate to the others. The class is fascinated. Kakashi is sure they will babble about this for days at home with their families. 

After they graduate they will learn the advanced techniques with pressure points. How to make a person suffocate, how to kill with it. But now it is just a game for them.

Poor kids. Let them play games for a little longer. No need to start too early with the harsher parts of shinobi life. 

Kakashi learned to kill with pressure points at six. He learned to kill in so many different ways way too soon. And it shows.

Iruka is showing the kids the exact pressing point locations on his own neck. He is grabbing their little hands and placing their fingers in the right place.

Kakashi closes his eye and imagines himself touching Iruka’s neck. Mm, that would be nice. There are lethal, choking points there, but also some surprisingly pleasant pressure points. When touched the right way…

 

⁂

 

Something small and light hits him in his forehead metallic plate with a ‘ping’ and pulls him out of his daydreaming. It’s a piece of chalk.

An angry Iruka is shouting at him from the classroom window. Classes have finished for today, and children are leaving the classroom with their usual commotion. 

“Kakashi. Please come down here right now and explain why you are stalking my class.”

Shit. He let his stealth down. A rookie mistake. 

He sighs and jumps through the classroom window to confront Iruka.

 


	8. He is going to run away

It’s the first time they talk since the night Kakashi turned Iruka down. Iruka still doesn’t look Kakashi in the eye. He is flustered, Kakashi guesses it’s not only because of the anger. Iruka keeps himself busy tidying up the room. 

“Do you mind explaining what you were doing out there?”

“Well, it is a nice day, I was enjoying the spring weather and taking a nap…”

“Bullshit. Kakashi, are you following me?”

“No, sensei.” Kakashi tries to sound innocent but it ends up kind of mocking.

Iruka looks up at Kakashi for the first time. Oh, how tired he looks. Kakashi didn’t notice that from afar. There are dark shadows under his expressive eyes. He still looks a little hurt. More disappointed than angry. 

Kakashi feels the impulse to hug him. It’s funny, he never wanted to hug anyone before.

He is so very fucked up.

“How have you been, Iruka? You look tired.”

Iruka frowns at him.

“What do you care? You were very clear last time we met about not wanting anything to do with me.”

“Maa, Iruka, don’t take it like that. I do care. I was just trying to help you.” 

“Help? That’s funny, _help_. How, by crushing me? I don’t feel like you  _helped_ me a lot. I was in fact 'infatuated' with you, as you put it, yes. And it hurt to have it cut so harshly. You were an ass.”

“I know.” _‘And I am so sorry. I hate to see you hurt because of me_ ,’ Kakashi doesn’t add.

“And you told me to stay away from you but you stayed to haunt me. It’s difficult to stop thinking of you like this. I can feel you around, never showing yourself, never disappearing completely. It’s creepy. It’s annoying.”

Shit. Kakashi has to revisit his stealth techniques. They are not so solid as he thought if Iruka managed to feel his presence.

Iruka is rubbing the eraser on the blackboard with an energy matching his angry words. He stops, sets the eraser violently in its place and turns around to confront Kakashi, hands on his hips.

“Why are you doing this? Make up your mind, Kakashi. Either you want to cut things or you don’t. What do you want from me?”

“I… Don’t know.” ‘ _I've never felt like this_.’

“You know how it looks like from the outside? It’s like when one of my six-year-olds can’t manage a crush and pulls the pig-tails of the girl they like because they don’t know better. But you are not six, jonin-san. You should know better.”

“I know.” ‘ _I really should know better, but I don’t. I’m a failure of a person.’_

“Can you please say something else?” Iruka is bellowing now, his patience completely used up. He regrets it instantly when Kakashi seems to shrink a little with his words. For once, his detached eye expression is replaced by something that looks like… ¿Distress? ¿Regret? Iruka is not proficient in interpreting Kakashi’s almost nonexistent body-language. He doubts anyone is. But he can tell something: he is going to run away.

“I… I’m sorry, Iruka.” Kakashi starts forming the hand signs for what surely is a teleportation jutsu.

“No, Kakashi, wait, don’t…”

There’s a ‘poof’ sound. A smoke cloud and some leaves dancing are all that’s left of Kakashi.

Iruka looks at the leaves floating merrily and settling on the floor. He will have to sweep again.

 

[ ](https://i.imgur.com/nPupoOh.jpg)

(Art by [Sinyaru](https://sinyaru.tumblr.com/), click on image for better quality).


	9. I’d like to watch you try

Genma’s shift ends in two minutes. Iruka looks at him as he gathers his things into his backpack.

“Leaving? Are you not coming to Kotetsu’s poker night tonight?”

“Nope, mission tomorrow.” He points at a scroll he set aside from the A-rank pile.

“Right. Be safe, Genma. Come back with all your parts.” Iruka smiles at him, encouraging.

“Thanks, I’ll try. Do I get a good bye kiss, sensei? You know, for good luck.” He winks at Iruka.

Iruka rolls his eyes. “You don’t want to be near me, man. Lately I’m the opposite of good luck. I’m anti-lucky.”

Genma laughs and claps his shoulder. “Cheer up, Iruka. Things will get better. Whatever those things are.”

“I hope so.” Iruka fakes a smile. 

“What A-rank did you get? The one to escort the delegation to Iwa?” Izumo asks. 

“Yes. There have been some incidents in that route in the last months. Civilian bandits, nothing big, but the Daimyo’s office requested a jonin escort. They don’t want to risk a diplomatic incident. I think it’s overkill, but I’m not complaining. The money is welcome.”

“Who else is going?” asks Iruka.

“Raido, Maito Gai and Hatake Kakashi.”

Izumo whistles. “That’s a lot of muscle for a simple diplomatic escort.”

Iruka’s expression goes a little sour at hearing Kakashi’s name. 

Genma notices.

His suspicions get confirmed.

Genma waves as he leaves. “Be good, everyone! See you in two weeks.”

 

⁂

 

It’s been three weeks and Genma’s group is not back. Iruka is worried sick.

 

⁂

 

As missions go, this one is quite boring. The four jonin keep a diamond formation around the wagons carrying the snobbish bureaucrats and nobles who mostly ignore them. They’ve been travelling northwest through Fire country forests for several days without a hitch.

At the end of the fourth day they cross the border. They stop for the night in an old campsite, a remain of the Third Great War. The assistants take care of the horses and set up the camp. The shinobi secure a perimeter around with some seals and traps. Standard procedure.

The Konoha jonin share one tent. At any moment in the night there are at most three of them in the tent, the fourth one doing his watch turn. It’s a little crammed inside, but they all have had worse. This mission is like paid holidays for them.

The mission is being quite calm. Right now it’s midnight, Raido’s watch. They are not too tired anyway. No one feels like sleeping yet. Gai is checking up his equipment, Kakashi is reading—not Icha Icha for once, and Genma is doing nothing, laying on his bedroll, hands behind his head and a soft smile around his senbon. 

“So, you and Iruka, huh?” Genma says, to no one in particular.

Both Gai and Kakashi raise their face to look at him like he has grown another head.

“What?” Gai says, confused, looking first at Genma, then at Kakashi, then at Genma again.

“I’m not sure I approve. You are not good news, Kakashi.”

“Maa, even if you are wrong, now why do you have an interest in my private life, Genma? Are you that bored? I think it’s none of your business."

“If you hurt him I’ll make you pay.”

“I’d like to watch you try.” Kakashi’s eye smile is clearly fake.

A tense silence fills the tent. Gai is speechless for once.

Kakashi stands up and stretches his arms.

“My watch turn. I’ll go relieve Raido.”

He leaves his book over his pile of equipment and gets out of the tent. The lurid cover of the cheesy novel seems out of place next to the deadly shinobi gear.

 

⁂

 

Gai recovers his ability to talk.

“What did you mean, Genma?”

“Well, Iruka has been acting strange lately. He wouldn’t tell me, but I suspect it’s related to his love life—or lack of.”

“I know he is your esteemed friend, but perhaps you are crossing the line. If he doesn’t want to tell…”

“Gai, he is hurting, I can see it. I just want to help him.”

“The heart’s matters are a person’s most precious and hidden concern, Genma. You should not intrude.”

Gai’s expression is stern. Genma tries to sweet-talk him, passing an arm over his shoulders. They have done this before.

“Come on, Gai- _kun_. What would Choza-sensei think about you refusing to help a team mate? You are just being stuffy.”

Gai tries to remove Genma’s arm, without success. His senbon is too close to his face for his peace of mind.

“Kakashi is your friend, or rival, or whatever. Did he tell you something about Iruka?”

“No, he didn’t. But in case he did, I would never betray my rival’s trust spilling it to you. You are just too nosy. You’ve always been.”

“Aw, man. You’re being cruel to me.”

They’ve had these kind of quarrels for years. Gai loves Genma, he’s been part of his life since they’ve been kids in the same genin team, but he’s not getting any shit from him. 

“Get away from me. I’m not telling you anything.”

Genma sighs and gets back to his bedroll. 

“We all deserve to live a lonely life. We are emotional disasters. That’s how things go for people like us.”

Gai just huffs and goes back to polishing his kunais.

 


	10. Tsunade is not going to be happy

The delegation arrives to Iwagakure, does his diplomatic thing and heads back to Konoha. It’s taken a couple more days than expected. Negotiations and politics are like that, but overall it’s been a success.

However it’s been a tense wait for Kakashi and the other jonin. They are quite uncomfortable in this city. All of them have too many scars from the last war to be at ease in this country. They all feel better when they head back home.

But things never go as planned. Two days into their trip back they are attacked by the bandits they were warned about.

Just, they are not a bunch of civilian bandits but a very disciplined group of about twenty people with steady shinobi abilities.

‘Damn,’ Kakashi thinks as he tries to keep the daimyo’s brother-in-law wagon away from the attackers.

 

⁂

 

Elite jonin are effective but they are four against eighteen, with civilians to protect. The odds are not good.

But Kakashi uncovers his sharingan and beats half of the enemies himself. Raido and Genma are a terrific combo. And Gai doesn’t even need to open the first gate.

Kakashi is surrounded by four attackers. He kills them all, but the last one of them manages to stab him in the chest with a nasty ice knife jutsu as Kakashi’s chidori pierces his chest and kills him. This time he can't blame it on his Iruka obsession by distracting him. Kakashi just underestimated the enemies.

After a fierce fight the four jounin manage to kill or chase away all the attackers. No one from Konoha has been killed, although some of them have been injured. The shinobi are a little worse for wear but with no important injuries. Gai helps Kakashi bandage his wound and makes sure it’s nothing critical. 

This mission just got a lot less boring and won its A-rank.

They decide to stop for some days in one of the towns in their way, to get some medical attention and to rest.

It’s been nothing dramatic, but they are delayed by several extra days. On top of the ones they were already delayed.

Tsunade is not going to be happy.

 

⁂

 

When they finally get back to Konoha it’s almost midnight. Genma offers to take charge of the mission report. So the other ones gratefully say good bye to each other and go home. 

Kakashi is tired and his wound hurts. For some reason he can’t stand the idea of going back to his empty home. 

It would be so good to have someone waiting for him. And it’s not a hypothetical someone. He knows exactly who he would like to be waiting for him. 

He would really, really like Iruka to help him remove his vest and gear, help him clean away all the dirt and rust from the long mission. Tuck him into bed, hold him until he gets asleep. Talk soft comfort words to him, run his fingers through his hair.

He snorts. He knows it could never be like that. But well, a man can dream.

He decides to make some time going to a bar and getting wasted. He knows it’s a bad decision. Sake and heavy painkiller medication never work well together. But he just doesn’t care. It’s not the first time he does something stupid like this. He just doesn’t want to go home yet.

So he goes into a shady bar where he is not expecting to meet anyone who can recognize him, and he proceeds to drink himself into oblivion.

 


	11. You smell so nice, sensei

Tonight’s beers-with-friends Friday night is over. Iruka leaves the bar right after Kotetsu and Izumo. He looks at them walking away in a bee line along the street, arms around their waists, making out on their way home.

At least they waited until Iruka was not present. He grunts. Envy is not a good thing. But it's been ages since he was with anyone and he misses it. 

‘Well, that’s the way it is,’ he thinks. He can always go back to the bar and try to find someone nice to go home with tonight. 

But what’s the point of it? The one he wants is not around. And he wouldn’t want him back anyway.

He’s been trying to keep at bay his worry about Kakashi, Genma and the others being late back from his mission. Life goes on, after all, as always. Kakashi’s life is not something he has the right to take part in.

And then he feels the tiniest hint of familiar chakra coming from the side alley.

“No way,” he whispers, and rears his head around the alley corner.

There is a lump in the dirty floor, leaning against the trash bins, deep in the shadows. It seems to be sleeping or unconscious. And it has silver hair.

Iruka hurries to kneel by him, alarmed. He reaches for his neck to feel his pulse. Before his fingers get to touch him he moves like lightning and grasps his wrist, stopping his hand. His only eye opens, dangerous.

“Kakashi”, Iruka says, softly. Recognition shows in Kakashi’s eye, and he lets Iruka go.

“Ah, sensei,” he says, and tries to stand up, but he wobbles.

Iruka helps him, passing one arm around his waist. It’s like a parody of Izumo and Kotetsu’s previous gesture, but removed of all grace or affection.

By the smell of his breath Kakashi is quite drunk.

He is also injured, Iruka discovers as he flinches away from the pressure in his ribs.

“Sorry,” Iruka says, and tries to remove his arm. But Kakashi is now hanging from him, his own arms around Iruka. He doesn’t seem to want to let go of him.

Kakashi hides his face in Iruka’s neck and hums a noise of content.

Iruka is frozen with an armful of boneless jonin hanging from him.

“Kakashi…” he starts. Kakashi interrupts him.

“Mm. You smell so nice, sensei. You are nice, and warm.”

He starts nuzzling Iruka’s neck. At some point Iruka feels a wet pressure there. It seems Kakashi has removed his mask.

“Kakashi, are you licking me?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Don’t… Don’t, please.” Shivers race through his spine. This shouldn’t feel so nice.

Kakashi’s hands have started roaming Iruka’s back. He is pushing Iruka back until he collides with the alley brick wall. Kakashi keeps licking and kissing Iruka’s neck, and pressing into him, moving against him, touching him. They both are half-hard by now. But it would feel much nicer if it wasn’t so awkward to be groped by a drunken and oblivious Kakashi.

“Kakashi, stop. You are very drunk. You are not thinking.”

“Mm, not thinking, sensei. Feels nice.” Kakashi’s hand moves to squeeze Iruka’s ass. His other hand pins Iruka’s wrist against the wall, by his head.

Kakashi lifts his face from Iruka’s neck and goes for his mouth, shoving his tongue inside without a warning.

It’s disappointing. Kakashi’s breath reeks of sake and he is too drunk to put any kind of finesse into the kiss. It feels sloppy and gross. Iruka has dreamed so many times with this. It’s not like he imagined.

“Kakashi, stop.” Iruka pushes Kakashi away. The alley is dark, but when Kakashi unsteadily moves away from him Iruka can see his face clearly, illuminated by a moonbeam. His lips are parted and moist. He is a little out of breath. His eye is glossy. He has a tiny beauty mark by his mouth. Oh, his mouth.

Iruka can’t help it. He raises his hand and caresses Kakashi’s cheek, just over the scar going down from his hidden eye. 

“Kakashi, I can’t take advantage of you like this. You are wasted.”

Iruka moves his hand to Kakashi’s nape and leans forward. He places a soft, closed-mouthed kiss on those lips he has dreamt about so many times. He lingers for a while, pressing their foreheads together. Then he reaches for the mask and pushes it up to cover Kakashi’s exposed face.

“Come on, let’s take you home. Where do you live?”

Kakashi looks shocked. He looks at Iruka like he doesn’t understand what he is saying. It seems that he can’t process Iruka’s tender gesture. Then suddenly his eye widens, and he seems to recover some of his judgement. He gets away from Iruka like he is burnt.

“Forgive me, Iruka,” he mumbles, and he jumps to the alley roofs as if he was not injured or drunken. Jonin are impressive like that.

Iruka stays there, looking dumbly at the roofs where Kakashi has disappeared. Again.

At least this time he has not teleported. 

He touches his mouth, wipes away Kakashi’s saliva. Now that the moment has passed, the whole scene seems unreal, like a strange dream.

Iruka goes home and tries to sleep.

 


	12. Do what you want with my advice

It’s a sunny spring morning in the forests around Konoha. Fresh green leaves are sprouting, the birds and critters all around are coming back to life after the winter. 

Yamato and Kakashi dash through the half-naked tree branches, equipped in ANBU gear. They are returning from a mission to collect monthly reports from several covert operatives. It’s been a smooth mission, no trouble at all. They are returning sooner than expected. 

They’ve been mostly silent for two days. Yamato feels something’s wrong with Kakashi. Perhaps now it’s a good moment to talk to him. He calls Kakashi and makes the signs for a quick break. 

They stop in a clearing for ten minutes. They relieve themselves in the bushes around, sit against a tree, drink some water from their canteens. Kakashi eats a ration bar. 

Yamato starts the conversation.

“Senpai. Are you feeling well?”

“Hm, peachy. Why are you asking?”

“You haven’t picked on me at all during the mission. It’s not normal.”

Silence. Looks like Kakashi wants to say something, but doesn’t go for it.

Finally, his need for advice wins against his pride. He’s been chewing on it for days.

“I screwed it up, Tenzou. I made a big mistake. With Iruka.”

“Hn?”

“After my last mission. I… Approached him. In a dark alley. Drunk. I groped him. We kissed. It may not have been… Fully consensual.”

Yamato knows Kakashi wouldn’t abuse anyone intentionally, but he is starting to worry.

“You mean, last week, after the mission to Iwa? But you were injured.” It starts to make sense. Kakashi was locked away at his home for three full days. It seems it was not totally because of his injury. Yamato also noticed he was acting strange since then. Well,  _stranger_ that usual.

“I was also restless. I didn’t want to go home. I went to a bar and got very drunk. I passed out on the way home.”

Yamato face palms. “Don’t say it. You were on heavy meds and you got drunk anyway?”

“Not my brightest idea, I know. Anyway, Iruka-sensei happened to find me collapsed on the floor and tried to help me. I clung to him and embarrassed myself for life." He sighs. "Ah, I guess Iruka wants to kill me now.”

“Well, rightly so,” says Yamato, bitterly.

“And you know the worst part? Instead of knocking me out of the way like I deserved, Iruka pushed me away gently, and told me _he_ wouldn’t take advantage of me. Damn, he offered to walk me home.”

‘And he caressed my face, and kissed me back,’ he remembers, but this is a memory too precious to share.

“That man is a saint,” Yamato mumbles. “I wonder what did you do to deserve his affection.”

“Same here.”

More silence. Kakashi looks mortified, instead of his usual bored.

“Senpai, I insist. Are you sure you shouldn’t just ask him out and see how it works?”

Kakashi looks at him, inexpressive.

“You’ve seen how it goes, Tenzou. Iruka-sensei is better off away from me.”

“However, he seems to be okay with having you around. He cares for you, senpai. How many people do care for you? Will you let this opportunity go? You really like him.”

“It doesn’t matter that I like him. I will ruin him.”

‘So senpai really cares for him, huh?’ Yamato is shocked. He’s never seen Kakashi act like this.

“For what it’s worth, I think you should give Iruka-sensei the chance to choose himself if you are good for him or not. I think he has the right after what you are putting him through.”

“Better be miserable together that miserable apart, you mean? I don’t see the appeal.”

“Well, senpai. Do what you want with my advice. Looks like you could do with some help in the sentimental department.”

“Like you are an expert anyway,” Kakashi grumbles.

“Are you pouting, senpai?” says Yamato, amused. Sometimes Kakashi can be so childish.

“No,” Kakashi says, pouting. “Break is over. Back to work.”

Yamato sighs. His senpai won’t listen to him, but that's nothing new.

Perhaps there’s some other way he could help. 

 


	13. That’s a bit understated, don’t you think?

It’s Iruka’s free day. No school, no desk shifts. He is home trying to keep his latest troubles away from his mind and to enjoy some quiet time with a good book he’s been trying to finish for months, when a knock on the door startles him. 

It’s captain Yamato. His face is stern.

What might he want? Iruka has barely talked to him before. Just some conversations about Naruto and Sakura, when he was acting as Team 7 surrogate captain. How does he know his address? Iruka opens the door, uneasy.

“Hello, Iruka-sensei. Sorry to disturb you. Can we have a word?”

Iruka leads Yamato into the living room.

Some minutes and some bland small talk later they both are sitting by the low table, legs folded, smoking hot tea and some pastries between them. It’s the moment for the real talk.

“Kakashi-senpai was badly injured in his last mission. His condition was critical. Now he’s stable, but he’ll spend quite some time in the hospital. A week at least. It was a close call.”

Iruka pales with the first words, then he calms down.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“The reason I’m here is that he has been calling out your name in his sleep.”

What can one say to something like that?

“Oh.” Iruka lowers his gaze to his tea, holds the cup with both hands, lets its warmth seep into his cold hands. 

Yamato sips his tea and waits for Iruka’s reaction.

When it doesn’t come, he decides to push on a little.

“Sensei, I don’t want to intrude on whatever is going on between you two. It’s no one’s business but yours. But I’m worried about my senpai. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“I’m glad Kakashi-san has people that care for him like you do. Thanks for telling me. But I don’t know how I can help here.”

“Well, perhaps you could visit him in the hospital when he’s conscious again."

Iruka looks at him, skeptic.

“I… I don’t think that would be good for him, Yamato-san.”

“Why?”

‘Where to start?’ Iruka thinks. ‘And where to stop without revealing too much of Kakashi’s privacy?’

“I think you should ask Kakashi-san, not me. I don’t have the right to expose such private things about him. You two seem to be close.”

“Well, I think I know him well enough by now. But I wanted to listen to your side of things. You know, senpai can sometimes be quite… Difficult to read.”

Iruka snorts. 

“That’s a bit understated, don’t you think?”

They share a knowing look and a smile.

Iruka decides to risk it and trust Yamato with a bit of information. It seems he really cares for Kakashi and is trying to help. He takes a deep breath.

“I used to look at him a lot. He noticed and approached me to make it clear that he doesn’t want me around and he doesn’t want a relationship with me. However after that he’s been acting like he is the one interested in me. I’m a bit confused.”

Iruka stops for a while.

“I’m trying to get over him. I guess he’s doing the same but he’s not very proficient with emotions so he’s having a hard time... And doing strange things.”

“What strange things?”

Iruka looks up at Yamato. 

“I don’t feel like going into so much detail. I’ll just say they  _are_  strange things.”

“Okay.” Yamato will have to do with that. Kakashi told him about some of those  _strange things_. He hopes there aren’t any additional worse ones. But knowing his senpai, he’s not sure.

“I’m quite sure his interest in me is a temporary thing. Letting it go is the best for both of us.”

“It doesn’t look so temporary from the outside.”

Iruka frowns.

“I thought you were here to tell me to stay away from your friend. Rest assured that it’s what I’m trying to do. I’m not the one approaching him.”

“No, sensei. I’m here because I think you actually might be good for each other.”

Iruka throws an unimpressed look his way. Yamato flinches a little.

“Well, to be honest, I think you might be good for him. I’m not totally sure about the other way around. Senpai can be a handful.”

“I already noticed that last part.” Iruka sighs.

They stay in silence for some time. The tea has gone cold. It seems there is not much more to say. It’s been a lot of information anyway.

“I want to insist on something, Iruka-sensei. Kakashi-senpai is a good person, underneath his antics. He’s been through a lot. He deserves to be happy, even if he thinks he doesn’t. And he doesn’t have much common sense when it comes to personal interactions. But anyone should be lucky to have his affection. To have him in their life.”

Iruka just nods, pensive. 

“Well, Iruka-sensei, thanks for listening to me. Give it a thought, will you?”

“Thanks, Yamato-san. I will.”

Iruka escorts Yamato to the door. Before opening it, Yamato turns to him.

“Perhaps I have crossed the line telling you all of this, but it pains me to see Kakashi-senpai like this. And you.”

“Well. Looks like we need all the help we can get. I think your intentions are good, but I don’t know how all of this will turn out. Only time will tell.”

Yamato nods. “Stay safe, sensei. Good bye.”

Iruka opens the door for Yamato and watches him go down the stairs.

‘I don’t know if I should thank you or curse you, Yamato-san. You’ve given me a lot to think about,’ he thinks. It seems he will not sleep much tonight, again.

 


	14. No permanent damage

Kakashi wakes up from one of his nightmares filled with blood and death. He’s in the hospital again. He’s feeling worse than usual. 

There’s movement at his left. Kakashi moves his head in that direction. He can’t see very well. There’s too much light. He sees a green blur approaching.

“Easy, easy now, rival. Everything is okay. You are safe. In Konoha.”

A big hand presses carefully on his shoulder, restraining his attempt to sit up. He desists. He’s too stiff and sore anyway.

“Are you thirsty?”

Kakashi nods. He can’t talk right now. His throat is sore and dry as sandpaper. He must have been connected to a respirator while unconscious. It’s not the first time.

Gai offers a glass of water with a straw and carefully helps him lift his bandaged head and lower his medical mask. Kakashi drinks but not too much. The water is blissfully cool and soothing. He thanks Gai and puts his mask back in place, careful not to pull the intravenous line going out from his arm.

“How long have I been out?” he asks with a raspy voice.

“We got back to Konoha on Thursday night. You were under surgery with Tsunade-sama for eight hours. Then in a coma for about four days. You woke up, and you’ve been in and out for three more days. Today is Friday’s afternoon. So, a week, more or less.”

Gai waits while Kakashi digests the information.

“Tsunade-sama said the surgery was successful. There was no permanent damage left. You’ll have to stay in the hospital for a while, however.”

Kakashi nods, relieved. No permanent damage. More than he expected after feeling his legs smashed by that damn jutsu.

“What was it this time? I remember a nasty earth jutsu crushing my legs, but nothing after that.”

“The earth user managed to hit you with another jutsu while your legs were trapped. You received a heavy hit to the head and passed out. Your skull was fractured. We finished the enemies off the best we could and aborted the mission to bring you back to Konoha.”

Kakashi sighs. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t at my best.”

“Nonsense, rival! You fought as bravely as always. The enemies were too formidable, that’s all.”

“Is everyone else okay? Has Tsunade sent another team to retrieve the scroll?”

“No one else was injured. And don’t worry about the scroll now. Focus on resting and getting well again.”

Gai tries one of his good guy poses while sitting, but he is not too convincing. His grin falters.

“I was utterly worried, Kakashi. You were very badly injured. The talented Hana-san did an impressive work stabilizing you, but we almost lost you right there. If Hana-san had not been in our team…”

“Maa, Gai, but she was. Stop worrying about what could have been. I’m here, right?” Kakashi interrupts Gai, with a bored voice tone.

Gai sighs and keeps silent. He fidgets with the water straw.

Something is not right.

“Why are you so uneasy, Gai? Is something wrong?”

“Ah, my rival, you are as hip and cool as ever, nothing escapes you. Even after breaking your skull.”

“Gai. Spill.”

“Don’t worry, your more intimate heart concerns are safe with me. It’s something only Yamato-san and I witnessed. Well, and perhaps some nurses.”

“Gai.”

“I’m so glad you finally found a precious person to share a heart bond, my rival!” Gai’s eyes are wet. He’s having one of his frequent emotional outbursts. 

“Will you get to the point anytime soon?” Kakashi is not in the mood for this.

“I wish the best to you and your cherished Iruka-sensei! You really couldn't have found a better person to share your heart with!”

How does Gai know? Kakashi hasn’t discussed his Iruka issues with anyone but Yamato. 

“What are you talking about, Gai? Where did you get that idea? I’m not _cherishing_ or sharing anything with anyone.” 

“Then there must be another reason why you have been calling Iruka-sensei’s name out loud while you were unconscious.” Gai’s expression is genuinely puzzled.

Yeah, well. Kakashi is fucked and he knows it. He’s been for some time, now. There is no point in hiding it from Gai.

“It’s not like that, Gai. You know what I think about relationships. We are not together. We are never going to be.”

“But your heart has blossomed with youthful feelings of love for another person, Kakashi. How wonderful is that? Or do you deny that you have those feelings?”

It would be easier to make up some of his usual absurd stories. Gai has been on the other end of them often enough to recognize them for what they are: Kakashi’s way of avoiding a subject.

But he is tired, and vulnerable, and half-drugged. For once he is going to be sincere with Gai.

He speaks in a subdued tone.

“No, Gai. I can’t deny it. I think I am in love with Iruka.”

Gai starts crying at full force his manly tears of joy for Kakashi’s youthful feelings.

“I never felt like this before, Gai. It’s horrible.”

“How can you say it’s horrible, Kakashi? It’s a blessing! The greatest thing in life!”

“It doesn’t fell like that. It hurts. You’ll learn it when it happens to you.”

“It only hurts because you are a stubborn idiot, Kakashi.”

Kakashi looks at Gai, shocked. He rarely is so blunt with him.

“What?”

Gai gets some paper tissues from a pocket in his vest, cleans his tears and blows his nose before speaking again. 

“You said it yourself. You have already decided to cut it away and try to go on as if nothing happened, have you not?"

“Well, yes.”

“That's wrong! That’s so wrong, rival. That’s why it hurts. You have to go on with your feelings! Talk to Iruka-sensei, ask him out on a date. Get to know him, allow him to know you, and give you both a chance.”

Kakashi is speechless. His head hurts. What Gai said makes a surprising amount of sense. That is, for anyone normal, not for Kakashi himself. Could it be that he has been wrong all these years thinking that Gai didn’t have a clue about social interactions? One of the axioms in his vision of the world has been shattered.

“When did you become a sentimental counselor, Gai?” Kakashi says, amazed.

“Don’t make fun of me, Kakashi. I’m trying to help you because I don’t want you to throw away the best thing that has happened to you in years.”

Kakashi’s eyes are starting to droop. He’s too tired for this. Gai notices his head wobbling slightly and takes pity of him.

“Oh, but you are exhausted, and here I am, lecturing you. Forgive me, my rival! Let’s finish this conversation when you are recovered.”

Kakashi is too dizzy to answer. He just nods and falls asleep.

 


	15. Let’s try a different thing

“Stay still, sensei!“

“Sorry, Sakura-chan. It tickles.”

“Do you want me to immobilize you? You know I can. Stop squirming.”

“I know, I know. I’ll stay still.”

Sakura goes on with the examination, hands covered in a soft green glow. She lifts Kakashi’s right leg and bends his knee carefully.

“Any pain?”

“Hardly.”

Sakura looks at him, not amused. “Does it hurt or not?”

“A little bit. Stiffness, rather than pain.”

Sakura nods and repeats with the other leg. Same result.

“Right. The healing is almost complete. The muscles and nerves are still a little affected, but the bones and joints are okay."

She smiles at Kakashi and pats his knee twice.

"Looks good, sensei. Try not to strain them for at least two weeks. No running challenges with Gai-sensei.”

“I’ll be a good boy,” Kakashi eye-smiles. “Does it mean I’m allowed to leave?”

“No way. Tsunade-sama wants you under observation for a little longer. Your head still needs some healing.” She can’t help a mocking smile and a tilt of her head. “No offence, sensei.”

“Ah, Sakura-chan, I liked you better when you looked up at me. I should have made you ungrateful brats run more D-ranks.”

“Too late for that. But don’t worry, you made us miserable enough. You did a good job. Now, I’ll go on with my rounds. Take care, Kakashi-sensei.” 

“Thank you, Sakura.” 

 

⁂

 

“Hello, Sakura-chan! Good to see you. Everything okay?”

Kakashi freezes when he hears that voice coming from just outside his room, muffled by the closed door.

“Oh, hello, Iruka-sensei. Yes, everything’s fine, thanks. Visiting?”

Kakashi listens in a daze as they exchange some pleasantries. After a while they say good bye to each other.

Iruka is here.

 _Iruka is here._  Right. He is about to enter the room.

Kakashi tries not to panic. He’s not ready for this. Is he even presentable enough? He attempts to run a hand through his hair and flinches on touching his head bandages. He keeps forgetting about them. His mask is in place, his sharingan is covered. He smooths out the sheets covering his legs and sits straighter against his pillows.

Their last encounter is not the proudest moment in Kakashi’s life. He still is pretty sure that Iruka might want to kill him for what he did. Perhaps he could get out the window before Iruka gets in…

Kakashi takes a deep breath. There is no way out. He might as well try to relax.

There is a knock on the door. Iruka’s ponytail and the rest of his head poke out the door-frame, tentative.

“Hello, Kakashi-san. May I come in?”

“Uh, yes.” 

Iruka enters the room and sits in a chair by the side of the bed. He looks nervous.

“I heard that you were severely injured. How are you doing?"

 

⁂

 

“He is here! Iruka-sensei came to visit Kakashi! I saw him entering his room,” Gai stage-whispers. His voice is not exactly quiet, but considering Gai’s usual volume it’s quite low. He is grabbing Yamato’s arm and shaking him with enthusiasm. They are sitting in the plastic chairs of the small waiting room at the end of the corridor, eating some ration bars.

“I know, I know. Please, stop, Gai,” Yamato says, his teeth rattling.

“Oh, sorry! I got carried away by the emotion of the occasion. Do you think our esteemed friend will ask Iruka-sensei out?”

“If he doesn’t I will kill him myself.” Yamato’s happuri face-plate is askew after Gai’s jiggling. He sets it back in place. “I’m sick of seeing him trying to stay away from Iruka-san and withering.”

“It’s so romantic! So youthful!!" Gai’s eyes shine with emotion.

 

⁂

 

“I’m fine, thank you for your interest.”

There is an awkward silent. Iruka holds in his lap a small potted plant. He forgot about it when he saw Kakashi in that hospital bed, looking brittle, paler than ever. The bandages in his head, the bruises all over the skin exposed by his hospital clothes, the IV line, the sunken circle under his right eye. Iruka is overcome with a wave of tenderness, of protectiveness. He would like to take Kakashi in his arms, to shelter him from any kind of harm. 

The feeling surprises him. Before seeing Kakashi today his thoughts were more on the line of scolding him about everything he did to him. Vent out a little. Try to clean the air between them.

And he was not really sure about what else after that. Probably he should have taken a decision before coming here, but he wasn’t able. It still doesn’t feel right. He should ban Kakashi from his life. Tell him to go to hell. But still…

Kakashi clears his throat and takes Iruka out of his musings.

“Iruka-sensei, I wanted to apologize for the other night.”

Another surprise. He never knew about Kakashi seriously apologizing for anything. To him or to anyone else.

“Apologies accepted. But please, don’t go jumping on people when you are drunk. You may end up in a cell.”

“I thought you would be more angry about that.”

“I was. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.”

He stops talking, pets the small plant leaves for a while, thinking about what he is going to say.

“I don’t get you, Kakashi. Your signals are totally messed up. First you tell me to stay away. Then you stalk me. Then we talk. Well, more like _I_  talk and you hardly say a word, and you run away like you want to forget everything. Then you stalk me again.”

Iruka waits for Kakashi’s answer. It doesn’t come.

“There has to be something more. You don’t strike me as the kind of person who enjoys playing with other people’s feelings. I still don’t know how you feel about me. I think you are just confused.”

Kakashi is both mortified and relieved that Iruka seems to have a spot-on insight about his internal thought processes. How does he do it? Kakashi used to be very good at being cryptic. It doesn’t work with Iruka. His stealth, his deviousness. Iruka is immune to them. He pierces his barriers time and again.

“I still think we should keep away from each other.” Kakashi finally talks. He doesn’t sound very convincing.

“I’m afraid we are not very good at keeping away from each other, though.”

Iruka makes a decision. 

“Let’s try a different thing, Kakashi. Let’s go have dinner together. Try to relax, talk a little, see if we can behave like civilized people around each other for a while, nothing else. What do you say about it?”

“Are you asking me out, sensei? Do you want us to have a date? After all I’ve said and done?” Kakashi is the one surprised now. Why is Iruka not running away from him, like any sensible person would do?

“Well, yes. Not as in a date-date. Something more like... A pre-date. A drill-date.” Iruka is fidgeting with the pot. He is flushed. Kakashi thinks he is adorable.

“I don’t know what to say.” It’s the absolute truth. 

“Well, say yes, or say no. It’s not so complicated. I’m waiting here.” Iruka’s self-confidence is starting to falter. He’s starting to think Kakashi is going to say no. 

‘Right. He’s not even answering.’ Iruka sighs and stands up. He walks to the window and puts the potted plant on the ledge.

“It’s okay, Kakashi. I understand. I hope you get well soon…”

“Yes.” Kakashi interrupts him. 

“What?” Iruka turns to look at him.

“Yes. Let’s go have dinner. I’ll pay.”

A little voice inside Kakashi’s head is screeching, ‘no, no, no, it’s going to end up horribly, you are going to hurt him,’ but he doesn’t listen. He  _wants_  to go on a date with Iruka. Just one date. Nothing has to happen after that. It’s not like they are getting together or anything.

It will probably not go as Iruka expects and he will at last realize that he’d better get away. But at least Kakashi will have that time for himself to remember.

Looks like something acceptable. Better that not seeing Iruka again.

“Good,” Iruka replies, dazed. He still can’t believe Kakashi said yes. “Next Friday is okay?”

“If Tsunade lets me out of the hospital. Ichiraku, at eight?”

“Okay, eight o’clock. If you are more than ten minutes late…”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Good.”

“Good.” It’s starting to sound more like one of Gai’s challenges instead of a simple date arrangement.

Iruka nods and gets out of the room quickly, lest Kakashi has time to change his mind and back out.

‘What have I done?’, he thinks while getting out of the room. He is giddy, he is terrified. He smiles unsteadily and waves at Captain Yamato and Gai-sensei, who are staring at him from the waiting room as he goes out.

 


	16. Being civil around each other

Friday comes. Kakashi has been released from the hospital. It’s five to eight. Iruka sits on a stool at Ichiraku’s, anxious. He still is not fully convinced that Kakashi will come.

“Yo, sensei,” his heart jumps on hearing that voice. “I managed not to be late for once in my life.” 

“Hello, Kakashi. That you did! I’m impressed.” Iruka’s wide smile warms Kakashi’s soul. 

Kakashi’s heart is racing. He hopes Iruka doesn’t notice. He eye-smiles and sits by Iruka.

They both are wearing their shinobi clothes. This is not a usual date after all. _Not a date-date_ , as Iruka called it. 

Kakashi looks much better than last time at the hospital, but he is still a bit haggard.

“I confess I thought that you might not come after all,” Iruka says, shy.

“Well, I don’t blame you. I do things like that sometimes. But not tonight.”

Teuchi-san greets them and takes their orders. He brings them some sake. They make a toast.

“To being civil around each other,” Iruka says, cheeky. Kakashi assents. They drink.

“How are you feeling? Have you recovered completely?”

“Yes, but I will be on sick leave for some more days. A week, probably. Tsunade wants me to rest and take my time before going back to A-ranks.”

They drink another round of sake.

“Thank you for the plant, by the way. Now she’s sitting by Ukki-san.”

“Ukki-san?” Iruka is amused.

“Yes, a gift from the kids. Yours is a jade plant, right?” 

“Yes, a succulent plant, very easy to grow. Don’t over-water it, give it a bit of fertilizer in summer, and that’s all.”

“So thoughtful of you to gift me a plant that even I can take care of.”

Iruka laughs. Kakashi loves the sound. 

Ayame-chan brings their food and leaves them to it. Iruka focuses on enjoying his steaming ramen for a while. Kakashi makes his food disappear, at his usual eating speed, somehow apparently keeping his face covered at all times.

“You are very good at eating with your mask on,” Iruka mocks him.

“People have been trying to sneak a look all my life. I’m used to it,” he shrugs.

“That mask has become an irremovable part of your face by now. If you knew how much time I’ve spent trying to imagine how your face would look under it…”

“But you don’t have to imagine now. You saw my face, sensei.”

‘Yes, I saw it,’ Iruka thinks, and feels a bit giddy.

He refills their sake cups. “To your face,” he toasts, holding Kakashi’s gaze. 

Kakashi laughs, softly. “To my face.” They drink. 

 

⁂

 

The night goes on like this. They are both enjoying this not-a-date. Kakashi is talking more than usual, Iruka is glad to be able to have a civil conversation. The food is great, the sake soothes their mood, everything is nice and the atmosphere is quite more relaxed than it was at the beginning of the night. They flirt a bit with each other and it’s all right. It’s been some time since Iruka had such a nice evening.

The only thing that could improve Iruka’s night would be getting closer to Kakashi. He has been daydreaming again, imagining himself kissing Kakashi, nibbling his jaw, touching his slender body. The images are distracting. But the reality of sharing some real time with him is good enough. Iruka is glad to be here with Kakashi like this.

Kakashi is also glad to be here with Iruka, but he is still tense. It’s getting really difficult to keep his expression neutral and his hands away from Iruka, and he doesn’t want to make a mess again. He is careful with the amount of sake he’s drinking, and with his reactions.

 

⁂

 

“It’s good to hear you talk, Kakashi. It was really frustrating before, you know? All those times I was talking to you about personal things and you didn’t talk back.”

The warmth of the last hours, and probably also the sake, make Iruka bolder than usual. He plunges into it. His voice get a sultry tone.

“But I still don’t have a clue about what you really feel for me. Will you tell me, Kakashi?”

Iruka’s eyes are half-closed, his gaze and his voice have become too intimate for Kakashi’s peace of mind. No, he can’t tell Iruka about his feelings. He will never do that. He panics and tries to cover it with a joke.

“On the first date, sensei? Do you think I’m so brash?”

“Well, considering that night at the alley I don’t think this counts as a first date. I think we might be doing things in the wrong order.”

They both get a bit aroused remembering that night. How close they got for a few fleeting moments. 

“Would being with me be so bad, Kakashi?” Those words ring a bell in Kakashi’s head. Yamato said the same to him long ago.

It would not be bad, not for Kakashi. It would be wonderful.

He doesn’t reply, but his eye must be broadcasting his thoughts. Iruka smiles, pleased.

“Looks like you don’t think it would.” He slowly pets Kakashi’s wild hair, cups his head and brings it closer to his face. He moves to lower Kakashi's mask.

Kakashi has been still, hypnotized by Iruka’s voice and face, by his lips. But now he reacts. He pulls back, sharply.

Iruka startles and removes his hands from him.

“Oh! Sorry, Kakashi, I thought you…”

“Sorry, sensei. This has been a mistake. I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

Kakashi starts standing, but Iruka desperately grips his hand.

“No, Kakashi, please, don’t leave. I’m so sorry, I won’t do anything like that again. Please, stay.”

Kakashi’s preferred way of solving interpersonal issues is to get away, Iruka knows this first-hand. But he makes the mistake of looking at Iruka’s regretful eyes, at his hurt expression, and sits back on his stool.

“I’m sorry, Kakashi. I went too far.”

“It’s okay, sensei.” 

The mood has gone sour. Iruka mentally bangs his head on the wall.

“I spoiled the night. We were having such a good time until I…”

“Leave it, Iruka. It’s okay. I’m sorry about my reaction.”

He turns to Iruka and looks straight into his eyes. 

“You read the situation right. I wanted to kiss you too. But I can’t give you anything else, Iruka, and I don’t want to take advantage of you. I am sorry.” 

Iruka bites his lower lip, frustrated. 

“Do you think this still qualifies as being civil around each other?” says Kakashi, trying to lighten the mood.

Iruka chuckles, self-deprecating. “Well, at least you didn’t vanish away and we have been able to talk things out. I think we are getting better at dealing with each other.”

“I don’t know if we should keep trying.”

“I don’t give up on you, Kakashi. I still think we care for each other. We can at least be friends.”

There’s hope in Iruka’s expression. Kakashi doesn’t have the heart to bring it down.

“Right. But perhaps we shouldn’t try another date.”

“It wasn’t a date,” Iruka says, ruefully.

“No, it wasn't.”

They decide to call it a night. They say good bye by Ichiraku’s door and go their separate ways back home.

 


	17. I should have let him

The recovery week passed. Kakashi has been assigned another mission. He feels his body is still not back to peak performance, but he is well enough.

His soul is a different matter. He’s been distraught since his disaster of a date with Iruka. He has avoided him but he can’t stop thinking about him.

Damn. Things are getting to a point where he will not be able to do missions. This has to stop now.

Yamato and Genma are under his command. They’ll have to be extra careful, no medical shinobi were available for this mission. It’s not the best of settings for Kakashi’s current situation. He is distracted and weak. But the mission has to go on.

They have to capture two missing-nin from Sunagakure that have been seen in the north of Fire country. The mission says “dead or alive”. It will probably have to be dead. Given their skill level they won’t let anyone get them alive. They are dangerous jonin, listed in several bingo books. It will not be easy.

The air between Kakashi and Genma has been tense since their last mission together. Another way in which Iruka is making Kakashi’s life more complicated.

It’s not Iruka’s fault, Kakashi knows it. The only one to blame is himself. But he can’t help wishing he had never crossed paths with Iruka. 

 

⁂

 

Kakashi and Yamato are sitting by the camp fire. Genma is doing his watch shift.

Yamato is looking at Kakashi with the eerie expression that he uses sometimes to scare the genin around. The silence is making Kakashi uneasy.

“Are you going to look at me like that all night long? What is it?” Kakashi sounds bored.

“Nothing, senpai.”

“Come on. You want to say something.”

“Nope. I’m tired of you looking down on my advice.”

“I know, but I could use some help here,” Kakashi mumbles, reluctant.

Yamato stops making the scary face and sits closer to Kakashi.

“You only have to ask, senpai. You know you can count on me. On Gai-san, too. It is about Iruka-san, right?”

“It always is,” Kakashi admits, massaging his sore neck.

“I know something happened after he visited you at the hospital. Gai-san is convinced you asked him out on a date. What went wrong?”

“Everything went wrong. But I didn’t ask him, he asked me. And I wasn’t able to decline. I should have. It was not exactly a date, but it felt as excruciating as one. I confirmed what I already knew: that I can’t be near him without combusting. If we can’t be together it’s better that we don’t interact at all.”

“So be it. Don’t interact.” Genma is back from his watch, and he heard the last part of their conversation. He goes to his pack to get a change of clothes and prepare his bedroll.

“Careful, Genma. That’s not an acceptable tone to talk to your captain.” Kakashi’s tone is bored again, but also dangerous.

“Are you going to pull rank on me? How nice.”

“I’m warning you to stay away from my business.”

Genma stops rummaging inside his pack and turns around to face Kakashi.

“Iruka is my business too. He is my friend, and you are messing with him.”

“Iruka and I are adults and can deal with our own issues without you meddling.”

“No, it seems you can’t. Iruka has been sulking since you started being around him. I don’t think you are good for him.”

“That’s what I keep telling him.”

Something in Kakashi’s sullen expression softens Genma up.

“I’ve never seen you like this, Kakashi. You seem to be in a bad streak.”

“Perhaps Iruka is not the only victim here, Genma-san,” Yamato says, standing up and adjusting his gear. “Anyway, I’m off to my watch. Please, don’t kill each other. You are big boys. Behave.”

“Wake me up at three,” Kakashi says. Yamato nods and jumps to the tree branches above, without a noise.

 

⁂

 

“Well, well, Kakashi. I never expected to see you involved in sentimental affairs.”

“If you are going to make fun of me please save it. I’m not in the mood.”

Genma makes himself comfortable with his bedroll at Kakashi’s side.

“You don’t have a lot of experience with these things, do you? When we were teens you were too busy with your mourning and your elite-shinobi stuff. You missed all the formative years. All the fun.”

“As if I didn’t know. It’s not exactly my fault. But nothing can be done now. There’s no point in lamenting.”

“Do you really care for Iruka? Or are you just toying with him?”

“Why is everyone so intent on making me talk about my personal matters?”

“Because we care, you moron. Because we want to help. You are not prepared for this. You may be a genius in battle, but for sentimental matters you are clueless. And you can hurt other people with your clumsiness.” 

Kakashi stands up and sets his bedroll a good space away from Genma’s. He gets inside with his back turned to him.”

“I’m tired of this. Don’t worry, Genma. I will stay away from your Iruka.”

“I was going to tell that you’d better be. But perhaps you shouldn’t. Perhaps you could be good for each other after all. You seem so lost…”

“Enough, Genma. Go to sleep.”

Genma sighs and shakes his head. Kakashi is a lost cause. 

He grunts. Now he has to worry about two people instead of one. 

 

⁂

 

When Yamato wakes Kakashi up he has barely slept for one hour. He couldn’t stop thinking about Iruka trying to kiss him. 

‘I should have let him,’ he thinks. He is tired, so tired of fighting it. He should have let Iruka kiss him, he should have gone home with him and let him fuck him into oblivion. 

“Senpai, are you okay?”

He comes back to reality and gets ready for his watch.

 

⁂

 

The next day they find the first enemy shinobi after three days tracking him. He is a brawny red-haired man in his thirties. According to the bingo-book his specialty are water jutsus.

‘No wonder he fled from Suna,’ Kakashi thinks. 

They get back to make up a battle plan. Kakashi will engage him and study his style. Genma will try to disable him with his poisoned senbon, and Yamato will restrain him with mokuton. Three to one seems like good odds.

Except that right after Kakashi jumps in front of him his partner appears in a cloud of sandy smoke. It is a trap.

Kakashi makes the signs for “Abort, Scram”. He will try to lose the two enemy ninjas without his team getting in danger.

It’s not easy. The big guy is surprisingly fast given his size. His partner is a tall, slim kunoichi with long black hair and facial tattoos. She wields a sword, and is very good at it. They are giving Kakashi a hard time. 

Kakashi makes a substitution jutsu right on time to avoid the katana to cut his head. It cuts a piece of a thick log instead and gets stuck in it. Kakashi takes this opportunity to run away in the opposite direction of where his team is, trying to take the enemies away from them and lose them behind.

But when he jumps away from them into the tree tops his head throbs with an unbearable spike of pain. He grunts and falls to the ground, temporarily disabled.

The enemy kunoichi gets to him with a cruel sneer. She grabs his hair and is about to cut his throat with her katana.

‘So, this is it,’ Kakashi thinks. He tries to squirm away from her grip without success.

‘I should have let Iruka kiss me,’ he thinks before everything ends, and closes his eye.

But instead of slitting his throat the kunoichi spasms and falls to the leafy ground, unconscious. Two senbon protrude from her neck.

“Get up, Kakashi. Are you okay?”

Genma crouches by him, looking around. They hear a loud crunching sound, and turn to see Yamato restraining the other enemy with thick beams of wood.

“Watch her,” Kakashi says and runs to Yamato. Five seconds later the enemy is dead, with a chidori through his chest.

They go back to Genma and his prisoner. She’s dead. Genma’s poisons are strong.

“You did well, good job." Kakashi picks up the dead kunoichi's katana from the ground and inspects it. It's a high quality weapon. Probably a family heritage. He turns, holds it with both hands and offers it to Genma. "Genma, thanks for saving me.”

“Don’t mention it, captain.” Genma smiles, laid back, and accepts the offered sword. It will go to Konoha's armory with its ornated scabbard. But he appreciates the symbolism of Kakashi's gesture. 

They store the corpses in sealing scrolls and head back to Konoha.

 

⁂

 

Once back in Konoha Yamato nags Kakashi until he agrees to go to the hospital. 

“Senpai, you’re not okay. You almost died in two missions in a row. This time you didn’t get injured, but that sudden incapacitating pain is not normal.” 

“Damn, you saw me?”

Yamato then explodes.

“Yes, I saw you! Would you rather prefer I didn’t? So you can kill yourself the next time?”

Kakashi is speechless, shocked by Yamato’s anger. It takes a lot to make him lose his calm.

“Do whatever you want.” Yamato turns away and leaves, his shoulders stiff.

 

⁂

 

Kakashi goes to the hospital and spends the night there in observation. He doesn’t get much sleep, thinking.

He can’t go on like this. He needs to do something.

He makes a decision.

 

⁂

 

The next day he goes back home. He takes care of his gear, he showers, shaves, deals with his small injuries and eats something. When all the tasks are taken care of he sits at his desk and starts writing a letter.

 

 


	18. Please, read this letter

Iruka is home enjoying a long breakfast on his free day. He hears some scratching at his front door. He opens it, curious. There is no one there.

“Hey, boy, down here.”

A gravelly voice comes from the floor. Iruka lowers his gaze and sees the smallest of Kakashi’s ninken.

“Pakkun?”

“Yo, Iruka-sensei! I have a letter for you.” He sounds annoyed. Probably the gopher task is a bit under his usual ninken responsibilities.

Iruka crouches and takes an envelope standing out from Pakkun’s tiny vest. He scratches him behind his ear. Pakkun’s wrinkled face lolls a bit more.

“Thank you for your hard work, Pakkun.”

“It’s nothing, sensei. I’m off now. Have a nice day!”

 

⁂

 

A letter from Kakashi, after more than a week of radio silence following their underwhelming not-a-date. Iruka is wary of it. He has a bad feeling.

He sits on his couch and tries to calm down. After a while, he breaks the seal and takes a single sheet out of the envelope. He starts reading it, holding his breath.

 

⁂

 

_Iruka,_

_I know I don’t have the right to ask you for anything, but anyway I’m asking you one thing: please, read this letter. Allow me to try to explain myself. After that, I will let you be for true. I promise I will stop bothering you._

_I would never be able to say these things to you in person. Forgive me for that. I’ve never been able to express my feelings the way other people do. I hope I can explain myself in writing._

_These are the facts:_

_One - I don’t do relationships. That’s true. I’ve never been in one before. The reasons are complex and not easy to explain, or to admit, but basically are these: I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t think anyone’s life can benefit with being near me. And I have lost all the people I loved in the past, and it hurt. I don’t want to be through something like that ever again. Also, shinobi life is hard to reconcile with lasting and happy relationships. I don’t see it ending well no matter how much I would like it to._

_Two - I have feelings for you. I want to have sex with you. I want to protect you from harm. I want to be near you. I want you to look at me like you used to do. It makes me feel more like a human and less like a soulless tool._

_I never thought it would happen to me, but it happened. I’m in love with you._

_Three - I have to stop it . Nothing good will come from it, neither for you nor for me, nor for Konoha. There are many reasons:_

_I will only hurt you. You deserve someone better than me, someone that can make you happy. I wouldn’t make anyone happy._

_I’m unbalanced and my performance is being affected. I’ve lost my focus on the field. If this goes on I will make some terrible mistake. I’m putting in risk my own life and the lives of my teammates. I need to keep my edge in missions. Konoha needs my skills. I assumed long ago that my life was not completely my own. There is too many people depending on my mission results._

_Iruka, I love you. I think I always will. But I need to stop being selfish. I’ll do my best to end this obsession with you and take the reigns of my life again. Please, don’t hate me. I will keep away from you and allow you to forget everything about me and find someone better._

_I’m very sorry for all the trouble I caused you. It was never my intention, but that doesn’t excuse me. As you once said to me, I should have known better._

_I think there isn’t anything else to say. If you think we need to discuss things and try to find a better solution please change you mind. I don’t think I will be able to do something like this ever again. It’s been excruciating to write this letter and expose my most intimate thoughts to you. I won’t lower my barriers like this again._

_And I don’t think there is any better solution. In another life, in another world, we could perhaps have been happy together. It’s a nice dream to indulge in. But it’s not the way real life works._

_I hope you will have the happy life you deserve._

_With my best wishes,_

_Kakashi_

 

⁂

 

Iruka leaves the letter on the coffee table, slowly. He is stunned, but his heart beats wildly. He tries to take in the overwhelming amount of information he just read.

He breathes deep, tries to calm down. He goes to the kitchen, prepares some tea. Comes back to the living room. Drinks the tea, pensive.

He was so wrong it’s funny. Or sad. Sadly funny.

Kakashi loves him.

He presses his hands to his eyes. How could he have imagined…? Everything about this is so wrong, so pointlessly twisted. They both are idiots. How can Kakashi be so lost? How can himself be so clueless?

He makes up his mind. He saw in the missions board that Kakashi has a B-rank mission today, leaving at noon. Iruka knows enough about his routine by now. He would be in the memorial at this time of day. 

Iruka redoes his pony-tail, puts on his hitae-ate and his vest, grabs the letter, and leaves through the window, purposeful.

 

⁂

 

Kakashi stands in front of the black stone, hands in his pockets, under a sky that is clouded, stormy, heavy like Kakashi’s mood. 

He feels Iruka’s chakra approaching. He knew Iruka wouldn’t let things stay like that. He takes a deep breath and prepares for their confrontation.

Iruka jumps right by his side. He gestures to the letter in his hand and lets it drop to the ground.

“This is crap.” 

Iruka is not bellowing. His voice is soft and calm. Kakashi didn’t expect that. He frowns and turns away, ready to leave again. No need to make this harder than it is. Iruka grabs his arm.

“No, you listen to me. Let me expose _my_  facts. They are a bit more simple and straightforward than yours here.” He sounds almost amused. It throws Kakashi off.

Iruka starts exposing, marking the points with the fingers in his free hand.

“One: You are an arrogant asshole. Two: You don’t get to decide about this on my behalf. Three: You really are a mess inside, aren’t you? Four: For a genius, you fail to grasp some very basic facts about life. Even shinobi deserve a chance to be happy, Kakashi. Including you.”

Before Kakashi can react, Iruka gets closer to him and takes his face in his hands. Kakashi feels his warmth seeping through the dark mask. It stops him in his tracks.

“Repeat with me: I am a good person with feelings who deserves to be loved.”

Kakashi sighs, appalled. “The letter was a mistake. I wish I could take back everything I wrote. I see you got it all the wrong way.”

“You are not listening, Kakashi. I’m not the topic here.”

Iruka fixes him with a look. Looks like a stern teacher look, as far as Kakashi remembers from his short pass through the academy when he was five. He is frowning, but he smiles. Kakashi is fascinated. No one dares to talk to him like this. 

“You tell me you are in love with me and give me all that crap about being a failure of a person who will only hurt me. And that Konoha owns your soul and you are not allowed the right to love anyone. And you expect me to simply accept it and go on with my life? That is nonsense, Kakashi! It doesn’t work like that.”

“But it works like that for me, sensei.”

“Damn, Kakashi. I had no idea you felt like that, and that’s not fair. Now I know and I’m not letting it go.”

Kakashi grabs Iruka’s wrists and gently makes him remove his hands from his face and pushes him away. His eye has that distant look again. He is back to being impenetrable.

“No, Iruka. Now you know but there’s nothing else to say. I’m not changing my mind.”

“I think I love you too, you know?” Iruka holds back his frustration tears.

Kakashi closes his eye, like he is in pain. He opens it again. The cold stare is back in place.

“It doesn’t change anything,” he says, softly.

“You can’t fix everything by running away.” Iruka sounds defeated.

“You are right. But it works most of the times.” Kakashi’s hands start moving.

“Yeah. Works like a charm,” Iruka says bitterly to the cloud of smoke as Kakashi poofs away once more.

He picks up the letter from the ground, brushes the dirt off it carefully, and heads back home.

It starts raining heavily.

 


	19. A rite of passage

This time Kakashi doesn’t share with Yamato or Gai his latest interactions with Iruka. He already knows what they would tell him and he doesn’t want to hear it. He is tired of hearing it through the years.

So he keeps the letter secret and evades their questions about “how’s it going with Iruka”. After some time they stop asking and assume this is another missed chance of human contact to add to Kakashi’s long list.

Kakashi focuses on his missions. He completes them at an increasing pace. Even C-ranks when there is nothing better. He manages to avoid Iruka’s mission room shifts finely. They haven’t seen each other in weeks.

 

⁂

 

Iruka doesn’t know what to do with his frustration. He can’t talk about it with anyone, not even Izumo. It doesn’t feel right to expose Kakashi’s feelings like that. He is angry at Kakashi but he will not betray his trust.

But he can’t forget that Kakashi admitted he is in love with him.  _In love_. Not “infatuated”. Not “having a crush”. He used the Big Words. Hidden inside that cursed letter, in the middle of the text that looked more like an impersonal mission report than a reveal of sensitive personal matters.

How could he forget about that? Kakashi said he loves him. And right after he said they will never be together.

There’s not too much Iruka can do. He refuses to harass Kakashi when he stated clearly that he wanted Iruka away. Iruka is dying to go find him, tie him to a tree with chakra wire if needed, and talk him into sense, with sweet words or whatever it takes. But he can’t force Kakashi into this.

He will give Kakashi the space he asks for, even if it kills him.

Iruka is optimistic by nature. He still has some hope left. If Kakashi really loves him it will not go away so easily. At some point he might realize that he’s being an idiot and give them a chance. 

Iruka can only wait.

But weeks turn into months and Kakashi still avoids him. 

 

⁂

 

Kakashi manages to avoid Iruka for the best part of the year. Now fall is letting winter in. Days are shorter, leaves are falling. Sunlight in the woods is less bright than before. Not a good way to improve Kakashi’s mood, which has been quite off during the last months. 

Kakashi hands over the report of their freshly finished mission to Yamato. He won’t risk meeting Iruka. He waves and strolls away. Yamato is fed up with all of this. He lashes out.

“You can’t avoid him forever, you know it, right? Konoha is not so big.”

Kakashi stops and turns to Yamato.

“Who says I can’t? I’ve been quite successful so far.”

“Yeah. And that’s why you’ve been sparkling joy to everyone around. For months.”

“Maa, Tenzou, don’t you have anything to do somewhere else?” Kakashi’s eye smile is colder than ever. He turns and walks away.

 

⁂

 

There’s no point in waiting any longer. On the last day of fall Iruka decides to move on for good.

Out there somewhere there’s an idiot who has wasted a good opportunity of happiness for two people. No point in wallowing in sorrow anymore. Life goes on.

Iruka decides to make some kind of ceremony, a rite of passage. It’s absurd but perhaps it will help him to end this chapter, to come to terms with it.

He thinks about burning Kakashi’s letter. It’s not a good option. He’s not ready for that yet. He hopes at some point he will be, but not now.

So, a party, a celebration would be good. He’s been quite out of the party circuit lately. Next Saturday is Izumo’s birthday. Perhaps he can prepare a surprise party with the usual suspects. He bets Izumo is not expecting it and he will be delighted. They didn’t set up something like that since years ago.

 

⁂

 

The party is a success, and organizing it keeps Iruka busy and focused all week, which was the original goal after all. He managed to gather Izumo, Kotetsu, Genma, Raido, Iwashi, Suzume, Anko, and other friends of Izumo he doesn’t know so well. There is also some people invited by the original guests. And probably some people sneaked in. 

It doesn’t matter, the more people the more fun. There are snacks and drinks for everyone. Izumo’s flat is quite crammed, but they are having a great time. Most of them are half drunk, and intend to get much drunker before the party ends.

Iruka is sitting in the coach with the birthday boy and Kotetsu. They are sharing some funny stories, laughing and enjoying the party.

“It was you, Iruka, right? The party was your idea.”

“Well, yes, but everyone did their part. I just had to get them moving a little.”

“A little, you say? I pity your pupils, Iruka. You are a slave driver,” Kotetsu mock-whines.

“Well, it was worth it, wasn’t it? I think the party is going great.”

There is a small commotion near the door. A new guest arrived. Someone dressed in green.

“Wow Iruka, you didn’t tell us you also invited Gai-sensei. It sure gives it a touch of color,“ Kotetsu said, amused.

“No, it wasn’t me, I really don’t know him so well. I guess Genma invited him.”

“Well, he is welcome anyway. I’m glad he came,” says Izumo.

Gai locates Izumo and grins like a madman. He heads to the couch and proffers a colorful package.

“Happy birthday, Izumo-san! And thanks for inviting me to this youthful party.” His smile is blinding.

“Oh, thank you, Gai-sensei, you really didn’t need to bring anything. Please have a drink and some snacks.”

Gai heads to the table where the drinks are and gets a glass of orange juice. Genma joins him and they share some animated chatting. Well, much more animated on Gai’s side, but they seem to be having fun anyway.

 

⁂

 

Izumo has been unwrapping the gifts. Gai’s is a nice handy set of high quality shuriken from the best armorer in town. Iruka’s is a pink mug with a dolphin picture (an old joke running between them, Iruka thinks dolphin decorations are lame). There are other gifts. Izumo’s favorite is a paid weekend for two at a nice onsen from Kotetsu, not totally unselfish.

Kotetsu goes to mingle with the party people and leaves Izumo and Iruka alone. He suspects they would want a little privacy to talk. They’ve always been each other’s confident, since kids.

“And so, Iruka? How have you been lately? We haven’t seen much of you out of the mission room or the academy for months,” says Izumo. 

“Nah, I was not in the mood for socializing. I’ve been through some hard times. But it’s over. I’m back to the front line.”

“Iruka, I know you have been through something. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. But if you want, you know I’m here for you, right?”

Iruka nurses his drink. Perhaps it’s time he opens up to Izumo. Talk it out will help him to move on.

“It’s nothing serious. Just a bit of a heart-break. No big issue, but enough to depress me for a time. I managed to keep on with my jobs, but my mood was spoiled.”

Izumo puts his arm around Iruka’s shoulders.

“I was worried for you. We all were.”

“Well, it’s over now. I’m officially giving up and moving on, starting today.”

Iruka raises his glass for a toast.

“To my new life after disillusionment.” He smiles, mischievous.

Izumo laughs and raises his glass as well. They both drink it all in one go.

“Let’s celebrate it by getting utterly wasted.”

“Good plan! I’m in.”

It’s a long party night. The morning after they have the hungover from hell, but it’s worth it. Iruka’s new life starts now.

 


	20. I’m feeling adventurous

It’s winter break at Konoha shinobi academy. Iruka intends to take advantage of the holidays and fetch a nice B-rank mission before New Year’s Day. He’s done it before. The extra money will come in handy. He is also glad to help so other shinobi can stay home with their families on these special days.

And he doesn’t feel like spending a lonely Christmas at home.

‘Perhaps I will request an A-rank. I’m feeling adventurous,’ he thinks with a boyish smile while he checks the available scrolls. But all A-rank missions call for jonins. 

‘This one looks okay.’ A mission to the Land of Rivers, to the south. Not too cold, nice landscapes, a mostly pacific country. They are looking for support chunin with good level in barriers and seals. It’s a civilian mission to help with an emergency chakra-enhanced repair on a damaged dam. It’s only B-rank because of how difficult it is to get people on this time of the year.

‘I hope they have some nice onsen around,’ Iruka thinks as he prepares his pack for the week away from home. It almost feels like he’s going on paid vacation.

 

⁂

 

‘Well, this will be awkward,’ thinks Yamato when he gets assigned as captain of that very mission and he sees the list of chunin in his team. Perhaps it’s better not to tell Kakashi. 

 

⁂

 

Kakashi gets summoned to the Hokage office for an S-rank mission. It’s been some time since the last one.

It’s late night, later than midnight. Tsunade is in a bad mood at the debriefing. She greets him curtly and goes straight to the point.

“We’ve received reports of an underground shinobi organization. Codename: Red Hand Army. They have enlisted missing nin of all ranks, mainly from Kiri and Iwa. They operate by selling secret information to undermine the hidden villages. They do quite a lot of bounty hunting too. We found they’ve been collecting big amounts of money. Their ultimate goal remains unknown, but it can’t be anything good for Konoha.”

“We have two ANBU teams following them up, gathering information. The captain of Team Two was hurt during their tracking. You are going to replace him for the next week, until the whole team is relieved. Leave as soon as possible.”

“Sorry for pulling you into this with such a short notice, but we are short of operatives,” Shizune says.

They always are. Kakashi just nods.

“The last known location of your team is the land of Rivers. Shizune will give you the details.”

Tsunade gives Kakashi one of her intense looks.

“Be safe and do your best for Konoha, shinobi. Dismissed.”

Kakashi bows his head in salute and leaves the room.

 

⁂

 

Shizune looks tired. Surely it has been a long busy day for her and for Tsunade. She briefs Kakashi with the details of the mission and answers his questions. She shows him some pictures and maps. Kakashi uncovers the sharingan and memorizes them. The organization logo is a red fist inside a black circle.

They are about to finish when Shizune remembers something.

“Oh! You might run into Yamato-san. He is also currently in the Land of Rivers leading a team of five chunin doing some civil engineering B-rank. They are a bit over their schedule. I hope they are not in trouble.”

“Who else is in the mission?” Kakashi asks, barely curious.

When Shizune tells him the list of names he regrets asking.

He says good bye and gets ready for the mission. One hour later he flies over the village walls wearing his ANBU uniform and old hound mask. He has a bad feeling.

 


	21. Change of plans

The captain of Team One is a short, solemn Nara kunoichi with an owl mask. Kakashi has worked with her before as her team captain, years ago. They work well together. She receives Kakashi without much fuss and brings him up to date with all the information about their joint mission. Kakashi has a higher rank but she has been in this mission since the beginning and Kakashi is just a temporary replacement, so she will keep being in charge.

Three days after Kakashi’s arrival Owl receives a message via one of Tsunade’s hawks. She gathers both teams into a small forest clearing to share the new orders.

“Change of plans. A group of our friends from the Red Hand attacked a Konoha shinobi team. There are some casualties and missing members.”

Kakashi’s heart stops for a beat. It might be Yamato’s team. Iruka’s team.

“Team Two will help them find the missing ones and make sure they go back safely to Konoha, maximum priority.“

“Does the message include the names of the casualties?” Kakashi asks.

“It only says their captain is injured.”

Kakashi and his team get ready and leave minutes after that. They travel at top ANBU speed, but still the trip seems to last forever.

 

⁂

 

About four hours later Kakashi and his three ANBU get to the small town where their targets are waiting. They find their destination: an unassuming guesthouse in a quiet part of the town. They sneak through the window into a two-room suite with three chakra signatures inside. Kakashi recognizes one of them. It’s not Iruka’s.

Yamato is lying on a futon, eyes closed, chest and both hands bandaged. There are two shinobi in the other room. One of them also lying, unconscious. The other one, an Aburame, receives them with a relieved greeting and answers their questions, efficiently. His voice is deep and soothing. 

Yamato wakes up. He looks terribly tired.

The ANBU medic tends to Yamato’s injuries. He finishes and moves away to check on the other injured shinobi. 

“Hound,” Yamato greets Kakashi, with a worried expression. “Thank you for coming.”

Kakashi nods. “Captain. Report.”

Yamato describes the ambush with as few words as possible. A group of fourteen shinobi jumped on them when he and the five Konoha chunin were going back from the dam at the end of a working day, tired and off-guard. 

“They killed Hamada-san with a poisoned kunai in the back of her neck before we saw them coming. After that they used explosive tags and fire jutsu to try to separate me from the rest of the team. My hands were burned and a tanto stabbed me and pierced a lung. They almost got me. But I caught them off-guard with mokuton. They didn’t expect me to be able to use it without hand seals. When we got rid of the last of them Yamashiro-san was dead, Ishii-san was injured and Iruka-sensei was missing.”

A coughing fit interrupts Yamato’s account of the facts. He drinks some water and goes on, painfully.

“Aburame-san managed to do some tracking before we had to get back.”

The young chunin takes over Yamato’s reporting. 

“My kikaichu found out that Iruka-sensei was running away, keeping some distance between him and his pursuers. There were at least three people after him.” 

The report finishes. Kakashi waits for everyone to leave the room. He crouches by Yamato’s side to have some privacy.

Yamato doesn’t look Kakashi in the eye. He speaks in a voice so low Kakashi can hardly hear him.

“I’m sorry, senpai. I couldn’t protect him.”

Kakashi puts his hand on Yamato’s shoulder and squeezes it, trying to comfort him.

“It wasn’t your fault. I’m glad you are alive, Tenzou.” He doesn’t manage to sound glad, but at least tries not to let Yamato hear how distraught he is. 

 

⁂

 

Kakashi writes a message for Owl. He finishes it quickly, puts his hand inside his weapon pouch to nick his thumb with a shuriken, and makes the signs for a summoning jutsu.

One of his ninken appears in a cloud of smoke.

“Uuhei. I need you to take this back to Team One. Give it to Owl.”

“Yes, boss,” she says. Kakashi puts the folded paper inside a pocket in her vest and pets her bandaged neck and head. The dog says good bye with a yip and runs out the window.

 

⁂

 

Kakashi turns to Yamato. 

“You were their target, captain. You are in the bingo books. They wanted to capture you for the bounty. That’s what their organization has been doing the last months. With your mokuton, alive pays much better than dead. Your team was just noise for them.” Kakashi clenches his jaw.

Yamato looks pale and distressed, and about to pass out.

“They might come back and try again. You are in no condition to travel. My team will stay here to protect you three and help you go back home. I’m going to go find Iruka-sensei.”

“Taicho,“ one of the masked ANBU says, emotionless, “two of us should be enough here. Don’t go alone. It might be a trap.”

“It might. But I’m not risking any more casualties. Stay here and guard them. As soon as they can travel, escort them back to Konoha. Send a message to Owl-taicho when you leave.”

“Understood.” The ANBU melts into the room shadows again.

“Be safe, Hound. Bring him back,” Yamato says, before falling unconscious again.

 


	22. There is chaos around

Kakashi hasn’t run so fast before, for so long. He has to be careful if he doesn’t want to burn himself out. He is following Iruka’s trail, it was easy to find. It is even easier to follow the trail of his pursuers. They are five, not three. 

Well, currently they are four. One of them got too close to Iruka and into one of his deadly seal traps. Kakashi left behind his bloodied remains a couple hours ago.

Iruka has been leading the enemy in a wide circle. Looks like he's trying to get back at the hilly terrain near their original location to get some advantage.

There is an explosion in the distance, and flares of fire jutsu.

Iruka is fighting for his life.

Kakashi speeds up wildly. When he is near enough he makes a transportation jutsu and appears in the middle of the fray.

Iruka is cornered against a rock wall, surrounded by his four pursuers, fighting them fiercely. 

 

⁂

 

One of the enemies has just completed the hand signs sequence for an earth jutsu that is familiar to Kakashi. The rocks behind Iruka come apart with a loud crack noise, and start falling over him. He will not get away from them in time. He crouches and covers his head with his arms, uselessly.

Kakashi snarls. He will not allow another precious person to be crushed under the rocks. He will not.

He uncovers his sharingan and uses kamui to send the stones right over Iruka away to hell. A swirl and a disturbance in the air make them all dizzy, and when it passes Iruka is crouching on the floor, surrounded by fallen rocks, unharmed and shocked.

Kakashi stumbles and falls to his knees. He still has problems to control kamui. It drains him too much.

There is chaos around. The other shinobi start to get out of their shock. Iruka reacts faster. He throws at them a kunai with a paper tag attached to it. It explodes and creates another rockfall. 

Iruka tries to get away from the explosion but he is too close. It throws him to the floor, knocking him out for a while. When Kakashi gets to him he is shaking his head, trying to recover his senses. Kakashi helps him up grabbing him by the armpits. 

“Can you run?” 

Iruka looks at him, confused. His ears ring loudly from the explosion.

Kakashi repeats his question with hand signs.

Iruka nods.

“Then let’s go.”

They both dash away from the battle place as fast as their battered bodies allow them. They can only go uphill.

 


	23. It must have been hard for you

After several hours it looks like they lost their followers. Kakashi can’t feel them anywhere near. They keep on running anyway until the night. The more distance they put between them and the enemy the better.

They stop their mad rush to make night in a rocky outcrop, in a small space protected by the stone walls around. There’s barely enough room for two people between the rocks.

They flop down on the hard floor, exhausted. They take care of their injuries. Luckily there is nothing too serious, just many scratches, bruises and a serious ear ringing for Iruka. At least he is slowly recovering his hearing.

They finish with all the minor tasks and sit against the stone, in silence. They haven’t said a word since they fled the fight.

 

⁂

 

“Why are you here?” Iruka breaks the silence, wary.

“My ANBU team got assigned the rescue mission.”

“How are the rest of my team?”

Kakashi recounts the list of dead and injured. Iruka hides his face in his hands. Hamada and Yamashiro, dead. He got to know them a little during their mission. They were good people. Yamashiro-san was Aoba’s cousin. He must be very upset right now.

After some minutes he talks again.

“I’m glad Yamato-san and the others made it. I hope he is not very badly injured.”

“The attack goal was to capture him and kill the rest. They bit off more than they could chew, though. They underestimated your group.”

“Why did they go after me then?”

“I don’t know. But I’m glad they didn’t kill you.”

Iruka chuckles bitterly.

“Oh, they tried, believe me. But I’m not easy to kill.”

And Kakashi is so glad for it. So, so very glad. Now that they can relax a bit he allows himself to feel the immense relief about seeing Iruka alive, unharmed and here with him, where he can protect him.

Not that he did a very good job on protecting him, to be fair. He almost got killed trying to save Iruka. Hell, he almost killed _himself_ with his lack of control of his kamui. He has to work on that.

“How are you?” Iruka asks, gingerly. “You feel… Chakra-depleted?”

It’s so embarrassing. “Yes, a bit.”

Iruka huffs. Kakashi’s face is red hot. He’s glad Iruka can’t see him.

And then Kakashi hears a sound he didn’t think he would hear ever again.

Iruka is laughing.

“What are you laughing at?” he asks, confused.

“Well, I shouldn’t laugh, I know. It’s just so absurd. You came to rescue me and I almost end up rescuing you. Don’t say it’s not a bit funny.”

“You didn’t rescue me. I saved you from those rocks. You almost fried yourself with that explosion.” He sounds offended. And a bit childish.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. No need to get miffed.” Iruka raises his hands, placating, still chuckling slightly.

“I’m not miffed,” Kakashi pouts. How can Iruka be so ungrateful?

But yeah, he is kind of right. Sometimes in his own head he is the dashing ANBU hero running to rescue the damsel in distress from a certain death.

Iruka is no damsel in distress. If he ever knows he got to think of him like that for a moment he probably would kill Kakashi. With reason.

 

⁂

 

Iruka sobers. He turns to look Kakashi straight in the eye.

“Forgive me, Kakashi. Damn, I’m glad you are here. I would be dead if you hadn’t helped me with that earth jutsu. Thank you for risking your life to come for me.”

Iruka’s face becomes more serious, concerned. He lowers his gaze.

“I’m sorry they assigned this mission to you. I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me. It must have been hard for you.”

Kakashi is speechless. Was it hard? He doesn’t know. He only knows that from the moment he heard Iruka’s name in the list of victims of the attack he couldn’t think clearly. And when Yamato told him Iruka was missing he couldn’t have done any other thing that running to get to him, mission or not.

He didn’t think too much about that. It seemed like the natural thing.

Somehow he knew from the start he wouldn’t be able to stop caring for Iruka no matter how hard he tried. He just assumed that being far from him would make things easier.

“It’s okay, Iruka. Now let’s get back to Konoha and let everything go back to normal.” Kakashi’s voice is void of emotion.

Iruka looks back at him. His expression falls.

“Yeah. Back to normal.”

 

 


	24. I can create a barrier

They eat some ration bars and prepare their bedrolls. It will be cold tonight.

“I’ll do first watch,” Iruka says. Kakashi nods and goes to sleep.

They have to huddle in the narrow place. They try to touch as little as possible. It’s a tense situation, it’s difficult to sleep like this. But Kakashi is used to sleep even in tough missions and eventually he gets into an uncomfortable sleep. Some hours later Iruka wakes him up and they change positions.

Before getting asleep, Iruka contemplates Kakashi in his ANBU uniform. He had never seen him wearing it. He suspected Kakashi was ANBU when he was a teen, it was an accepted rumor in Konoha. But he thought he was retired now that he was a regular jonin with his own genin team.

The fact is that the uniform is damned sexy and every shinobi has indulged in fantasies of sex with mysterious and attractive elite shinobi in that outfit. It doesn’t help Iruka’s currently frail peace of mind. It brings out the feelings he worked so hard to drown out.

Iruka finally closes his eyes, exhausted. He dreams of rock slides and Kakashi in his ANBU uniform running after him and never getting to catch him.

 

⁂

 

“Iruka, wake up. Quietly.”

Kakashi’s hushed voice has a tense edge. He’s crouching in front of a hole in the rocks around their keep, looking over the valley below. He signs for Iruka to get near keeping his head low.

Iruka goes to the gap and freezes at what he sees.

There is a group of about twenty five Red Hand’s shinobi stationed in the valley path, cutting their way out.

“These are not the ones from yesterday. How did they find us?” Iruka whispers, dismayed.

“They didn’t see us yet. I don’t think they are here for us.”

“Any plan?” Iruka is afraid of the answer.

“The only way out is through their campsite.”

“We could hide here. Wait for them to go on their way. Perhaps they only stopped to rest for a while.”

“They set up tents. They intend to stay.”

Chakra exhaustion is a bitch. Kakashi will not stand for too long in case of a fight, even with Iruka’s help. Taijutsu won’t be enough with more than twenty enemies throwing jutsus at them.

Iruka breathes a heavy sigh and slides to the floor. “Looks like we got into a bigger trouble.”

 

⁂

 

“Kakashi, they saw us. They are coming,” Iruka whispers, alarmed.

A man’s voice barking orders pierces the silence around. Kakashi dashes to join Iruka at the rock hole. The enemy is getting close and surrounding their hideout. It seems that the surviving shinobi that were tracking them have arrived and joined the camp outside. They see one of them talking to the enemy captain. They recognize his mop of red hair and a distinctive scar on his jaw.

“I can create a barrier. One-way: nothing enters, we can exit. It will last about three days with the chakra I have.”

Iruka waits for Kakashi’s answer, tense. Kakashi is thinking fast.

“Will it drain you?”

“A bit, but I will still be able to fight.”

Kakashi considers the options for some seconds, and finally nods.

Iruka moves. He sets a paper with a seal on the ground in the center of the place. He closes his eyes, makes a series of hand signs and stamps his palm on the seal.

A burst of chakra irradiates from the seal. For a moment a bubble of blue light imbued with dark written seal signs is visible around them, reaching well around their outcrop. The light dispels seconds later, but the signs on the floor and a slight tremor in the air remain.

When the first enemy shinobi touches the barrier there’s a spark, a grunt and a slight smell of burned meat.

The enemies test the barrier by throwing kunais, rocks, water. There are more sparks and flames, and nothing passes through. After a while they desist.

“Impressive,” Kakashi says. Iruka’s mood improves a little.

“What now?”

“Our immediate situation hasn’t changed much. But now they know we are here. Any chances we had that they would leave are gone. They will wait for the barrier to go down and get us.”

“We are dead, I guess.”

“Or worse. They will want to interrogate us.”

 

⁂

 

“Iruka, did you receive the T&I anti-interrogation training?”

“Yes.” Iruka shudders. It was not pleasant.

“Have you ever been captured in a mission and… Interrogated?” Kakashi avoids the word _torture_ but it hangs over their conversation.

“Not really. I’ve been beaten, but nothing serious.”

“Hm.”

Kakashi is scared. He’s been tortured before. He probably can resist whatever they throw at him. But Iruka…

Thinking about Iruka being tortured terrifies him.

What would Kakashi do if they get Iruka? Would he be able to let them painfully kill Iruka in front of him? Would he break and tell the enemy whatever they asked to save him?

He would rather die.

They can’t get them alive.

 


	25. This one must have hurt

A day has passed. They have enough water and food for several days. It seems they are not going to need it all anyway. 

They sleep some hours, shifting their watch turns. The mix of boredom and anxiety is draining them. Talking seems to help. Joking about their situation too.

 

⁂

 

“We could be celebrating Christmas at home,“ Iruka says. They sit close to each other with their backs against the rock, legs folded in front of them.

“Nah. Christmas sucks.”

“I could be getting absurdly drunk with Izumo and Kotetsu.”

“Alcohol is bad. Makes people do stupid things in dark alleys. Believe me.”

They share a knowing smile, remembering that night ages ago. Or at least Iruka thinks Kakashi is smiling. His eye has the right shape.

“It was stupid, yes. But at least I got to kiss you.”

“It was not a very good kiss. Sorry, Iruka.”

“I’m talking about  _my_  kiss, not yours. Yours was pathetic.”

“I can do much better that that.”

“Yeah, right. That’s what you say.”

 

⁂ 

 

They can’t do anything but wait. Every passing minute the barrier gets thinner.

 

⁂

 

“Well, it’s not so bad. We have a couple of days. There’s a tiny possibility that they get more urgent orders and leave.”

“I don’t think that will happen. We are going to die here, regretting all our shitty decisions in life.”

“You are supposed to be the optimistic one, Iruka. Cheer up.”

Iruka chuckles.

“Your cynicism must be rubbing off on me. Being here stuck with you is not good for my mental health.”

“Don’t be rude. I’ve been told I’m funny when I try. And I am trying.”

“Well, we don’t have anything better to do while we wait, do we?”

“We could have sex. This is what happens in Icha Icha in situations like this.”

“Yeah, well, impending death only makes it hotter, don’t you think? The animal instincts, the perpetuation of the species, that stuff.”

“What perpetuation? We are both male.”

They laugh.

 

⁂

 

“I should have let you kiss me when I had the chance.”

Iruka thought they were joking, but the amusement has gone away from Kakashi’s voice. He raises his head and looks at Kakashi, suddenly serious.

Kakashi gazes at him, his eye full of longing. He tentatively reaches for Iruka’s face and runs his fingertips over his mouth in a feather touch.

“Are you proposing it for real?”

Kakashi didn’t intend to do that. It slipped out of his self-control. But he is not sure he regrets it.

Nothing matters anymore. All his carefully constructed arguments to convince himself to stop wanting Iruka are meaningless now. He decides to go on with it.

“As real as it gets,” Kakashi says, softly. He lowers his mask intently and waits for Iruka’s answer. His face has a soft, hopeful expression.

The setting sun illuminates Kakashi’s naked face with a warm light. To Iruka it couldn’t be more different from the moonlight in that alley an eternity ago, from the tainted face Kakashi revealed to him that night, captivating, but so hurtful. This face now is fully human. Iruka absorbs the sight like it was water in the desert. It’s a wonderful sight.

Perhaps it’s the stress of their desperate situation. Or being physically so close to Kakashi for days, or looking at his bare face. But Kakashi’s proposition doesn’t seem so insane as it should.

Iruka is tired of fighting his yearning for Kakashi. He is so, so tired. Always being the sensible one, always doing the right thing.

Being close to death has different effects in people. It seems that in Iruka it turns off his rationality.

Iruka makes up his mind and takes action.

“If this is the only time we’ll be together we better make it memorable.”

Iruka puts his hands on Kakashi’s chest and pushes him onto the bedroll still spread on the floor. He straddles him, leans over and kisses him.

This kiss is nothing like the dull kisses they shared that night in the dark alley. Now they both are willing, they both are sober and aware of the intense feelings behind their desire. This kiss is more like what Iruka dreamt about all those times he looked at Kakashi and tried to imagine how his lips would feel like. They take their time to find out how they like to be kissed. Their tongues explore, learn. 

Iruka gets to caress Kakashi’s face, his scars, his cute beauty mark, his lips. He gets to see how good the contrast between their different skin tones looks. It feels so much better than in his daydreams.

They have started to rock together. Kakashi’s hands move to Iruka’s hips, encouraging his movements.

Kakashi feels a raindrop fall on his face.

“Iruka, are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. It’s just too much. Too many emotions.”

Kakashi hugs Iruka and rolls them over. Now Iruka is on his back and Kakashi lays on top of him, hugging him, kissing his mouth, his face, his neck.

He runs his fingertips over the scar that crosses Iruka’s face, feeling the raised tissue. 

“This one must have hurt.” 

“I was three, I don’t really remember. But yes, I was quite scared.”

“What happened?”

“I’ll tell you some other day.” Iruka bites Kakashi’s neck, softly, and makes him moan. 

“Do that again,” he begs. Iruka complies.

They kiss and touch for another while. When they part Kakashi removes Iruka’s hair tie and sinks his fingers in his long, soft hair. 

“I have dreamed of touching your hair like this,” he says, wonderstruck. 

Iruka smiles, his hair spread out around him like a halo. His cheeks flustered, his eyes wet with unshed tears of joy, his expression full of warmth. Full of love.

Fuck chakra exhaustion. Kakashi opens his sharingan eye to record a glimpse of the most beautiful sight he has ever seen, putting up with the pain gladly. Then he closes the eye and dives in again to devour Iruka.

Kakashi grabs Iruka’s nape, massages it. His other hand slips under Iruka’s shirt to do amazing things on his chest, on his nipples. Iruka’s hands also find Kakashi’s skin under his tight clothes and caress his lean muscled back, his round, firm buttocks. Iruka might have discovered a favorite part of Kakashi.

“How do you want it, Iruka? Have you had sex with a man before?” Kakashi asks between kisses, breathless, reaching between their bodies to rub his hand over Iruka’s erection through the fabric of his trousers, making him fully hard.

“Yes,” Iruka pants, rocking into Kakashi’s strokes. “I prefer topping but can go either way. You?”

“Same, but I like bottoming better,” Kakashi whispers with a dirty smile that makes Iruka’s cock twitch under Kakashi’s hand.

Everything is so perfect Iruka can’t believe it’s not a dream.

They remove their clothes between kisses, licks and caresses, without haste. They are going to enjoy every second of it, absorb the sight, touch and taste of each other, and try to make it last as long as possible.

They even have some ointment in their medikits that works as lubricant. A classic for every shinobi that has had mission sex away from a civilized place. Iruka uses it wisely to prepare Kakashi, laying down on his side by him. He wants to make sure he will not hurt him. By the sounds he’s letting out and how hard he is Kakashi is already enjoying Iruka’s fingers inside him. It can only get better.

“Enough, sensei, I’m ready,” he pants. 

Iruka moves up between Kakashi’s legs, puts one of them over his shoulder, and guides his cock to press inside Kakashi.

“Start slowly. It’s been some time,” Kakashi says, with a hoarse voice. Iruka almost dies right there. It’s too much.

He pushes, slowly. Time seems to stop, the sensations are overwhelming. Kakashi holds his breath, adjusting to the intrusion. After some eternal moments he relaxes a bit and Iruka starts moving. Time starts flowing again.

They set a slow rhythm. They are both too close to the edge and don’t want it to end too soon. Iruka bends down and kisses Kakashi, swallowing the soft noises he is making. None of them is too vocal, but hearing Kakashi turns Iruka on even more. 

They increase the pace. Kakashi flips them and sets Iruka laying on his back. He straddles him and whispers, almost out of breath, “Would you like me riding you?” 

Iruka almost comes right there. He only manages a strangled grunt. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Kakashi says, with a devilish smile, and starts fucking himself crazy on Iruka’s cock. 

They don’t last much longer after that. Kakashi grabs his cock and pumps it a few times, and he comes with a soft grunt, throwing his head back, spilling himself over his hand and Iruka’s stomach. He collapses over Iruka, spent, panting, eyes closed. The sensations of being inside Kakashi as he spasms around him are too much for Iruka. He comes right after, almost passing out with the intensity of his climax.

It’s been mind-blowing, romantic, hot and dirty. It’s been everything Iruka dreamt and more. It’s like the karma for once tried to compensate them for all the frustration and heartbreak of the last months. Of their whole lives. Iruka feels he can die now and he would die happy.

They lay like this, catching their breath, unwilling to move, to break the spell, until they feel too filthy and uncomfortable.

“That was…”

“… Yeah.”

They look at each other. It’s going to be their only chance to see themselves like this. All the protective layers removed, the raw person underneath exposed. They both drink in the sight. 

After some time Iruka’s expression sinks and he moves away. He gets up and tries to clean himself without wasting too much water. 

 


	26. Nothing really matters anymore

“So you do still think about that sometimes? About us?” Iruka asks, trying to keep his voice neutral and failing.

Kakashi looks at the floor in silence. He nods slightly.

“I thought you wanted to get our pitiful story out of your mind for good. I thought you left all of it behind.”

“I tried. With all my strength. It didn’t work.” Kakashi sounds ashamed.

Iruka puts his clothes on without haste. Kakashi reveres in the sight of Iruka’s body, of his motions, appreciating the uniqueness and intimacy of the moment.

“I managed to get over you, Kakashi. But I still think you were wrong. I don’t think I’m better off without you.”

Iruka glares at Kakashi.

“It wasn’t easy. I had to bite a piece of my heart and spit it out. Life has lost part of its color for me. You hurt me more than you can imagine.”

Kakashi’s hurt expression speaks for him.

“Still, I refuse to hate you. I need to think that you cared for me. That you underestimated how much this was going to hurt me. You still do not believe that someone can really love you like that, do you?”

“I… No, I think I don’t.” Kakashi finally looks into Iruka’s eyes.

“And I know it’s been hard for you, too. I saw how many missions you took, how many times you came back injured. I saw how worried captain Yamato and Gai-sensei were. I thought you were trying to punish yourself. Or something worse.”

Iruka finishes getting dressed and turns to Kakashi, making a pause.

“You are an idiot, Kakashi. You were wrong. So tragically wrong. I don’t know what else to say.”

Iruka sighs and rubs his face. He carried the frustration of all those unsaid things for so long that now he managed to say it all he feels drained. And he still hasn’t recovered from the emotional burst of their recent sex.

He doesn’t want to speak anymore. He doesn’t want to keep hurting Kakashi. He just wants to make the best of the little time they have left.

Kakashi hasn’t moved. He is still sitting naked on his ruined bedroll, looking disoriented and vulnerable, and looking at Iruka in despair.

Iruka kneels in front of Kakashi and hugs him, putting into the hug all the feelings he had to repress since Kakashi made a mess of his life. Kakashi returns the hug, clinging to him like he is drowning and Iruka came to save him.

It feels like good bye.

“Doesn’t matter now, though. Nothing really matters anymore. That’s an advantage of impending death,” Iruka says, lightly, breaking the hug, keeping Kakashi at arm’s length and looking into his eye. He manages to draw a small smile.

“You are right.” Kakashi pulls himself together and gets up to clean up and get dressed too.

When he finishes he briefly caresses Iruka’s cheek and smiles fondly at him.

“But I’m glad we managed to make some good memories together before the end. I’ll treasure them for the rest of my life, short as it might be. And think about how wrong I was.”

Iruka chuckles.

“Yes, looks like the rest of our lives is going to be a really short time, but I’m glad too. They are really nice memories.”

They don’t talk much after that. All the important things have been said and they are too upset for making small talk.

 

⁂

 

They share Iruka’s bedroll and try to sleep a couple hours before dawn. It doesn’t make sense anymore doing watch turns. Kakashi puts an arm around Iruka’s waist and holds him tight. It’s comforting and much nicer than sleeping in their separated bedrolls.

‘We should have done this all the time,’ Iruka thinks.

The barrier has started to flicker slightly. Before falling asleep Iruka calculates it will last another five or six hours. He holds Kakashi tighter and closes his eyes.

 

 


	27. No need to get dramatic

The barrier is failing. The shinobi guards outside have noticed it. The whole group is around, waiting for the barrier to disappear completely. They seem eager to get their hands on the two Konoha shinobi. They’ve been looking at them for three days, out of their reach. Some of them are smiling and bragging in anticipation.

Kakashi and Iruka have replenished a little chakra in the last days, but not enough for what they would need. No more fancy barriers or body flickers. Not even substitution jutsus.

They prepare a plan. It’s not a nice plan. The main idea is that the enemy will not get them alive. So if one of them is injured or captured the other one is to kill him.

It’s more a _when_ than an _if._  But none of them says it loud. No need to get dramatic.

They decide to stay inside their rocky hideout. The entry is narrow and the enemies will have to come at most two or three at a time. It’s better than going outside and getting surrounded. And jutsus are difficult to use in narrow places.

The barrier dies with a faint sizzle.

The enemies charge.

 

⁂

 

It’s been about half an hour and Kakashi and Iruka are still standing, mostly unhurt. There are seven enemy shinobi laying on the floor, dead or incapacitated. The place is starting to get crammed. They pile the bodies in front of the entry, as a barricade.

Exhaustion is starting to get them. Iruka’s fighting skills are pretty solid for a chunin. Kakashi’s taijutsu is top-level, as a result of a lifetime training with Gai. He has taken out five of the seven enemies.

The Red Hand captain stops sending shinobi in and tries to make them get out with explosive tags and poisoned gas bombs. Kakashi manages to disable them or throw them out again before they damage them.

The attack stops for a while. The captain shouts an offer granting them their lives if they surrender. Kakashi and Iruka share a look. They don’t need to discuss it. It’s clearly a lie. There is no way that they won’t try to extract Konoha’s valuable secrets from them. Kakashi shouts their answer back.

 

⁂

 

“It’s not going bad so far,” Iruka says, panting, almost cheerful.

That’s when a wave of three new enemies barges in. While Kakashi tries to contain two of them, the third one moves strikingly fast, touches Iruka’s forehead and sets him into a powerful genjutsu.

“No!” Kakashi shouts as Iruka’s eyes go blank.

The genjutsu user puts his arms around Iruka, makes some signs and they both disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Kakashi kills the other two shinobi, but it’s too late. He falls to his knees. They got Iruka.

 

⁂

 

“Get out now. Or I start cutting fingers.”

Kakashi gets out of the hideout, hands raised.

The captain is twirling a kunai with one hand and holding Iruka by his vest with the other. Iruka still has that blank stare plastered onto his face and is not defending himself or trying to escape. His hands are not even bound.

Three shinobi get to Kakashi, tie his hands with chakra wire and stick a paper seal on his nape. Immediately his chakra gets restrained out of his reach. Not that he had that much left. But the sensation is very unpleasant. He feels sick and tries not to throw up.

There goes their plan. He should have known that he would not be able to kill Iruka.

They take them to the captain tent and bind them to two folding chairs. The tough part is about to start.

 

 


	28. Warm up complete

“Hatake Kakashi. How exciting. And who is your pet? A humble chunin teamed with the great Copy-nin? You don’t make a great match.”

The captain is a loud bald man with a round face and a big belly. He doesn’t look like the typical shinobi. Kakashi hasn’t seen him fight yet and is wary of him.

The genjutsu specialist is in the tent, by Iruka’s side. He’s a greasy black-haired man with a dull, expressionless face and droopy eyes.

“I don’t know what to do with you, Copy-nin. The bingo book bounty is much higher if you are alive. But you are trouble. You’re too dangerous to keep around. Killing you now would be safer. And you two know too much about the Red Hand. I’m afraid we can’t let you go.”

The man stands in front of Kakashi. He reaches for Kakashi’s mask and lowers it, slowly, with an ugly, gross smile. He moves back to appreciate the view and tucks his thumbs in his belt.

“But first we can have some fun. We can probably get a fortune selling all that information inside you. All those precious secrets. Getting them out of you will be interesting.” The captain eyes sparkle.

Kakashi hates sadists. This is just his usual hard luck.

Genjutsu-man touches Iruka’s neck. The life comes back to his face. He gasps and looks around. Then he sees Kakashi unmasked and bound and gets an idea of the situation.

“Sorry,” Kakashi says, with a half-smile.

The captain punches Kakashi and almost breaks his nose. A trickle of blood leaks down.

“No talking unless I ask you.”

He cracks his knuckles.

“I guess Hatake Kakashi is a hard nut to crack. I don’t think we would get anything from you even if we break a few bones.”

He turns around to face Iruka, with a pleased smile.

“But I’ve seen how you look at this pretty boy. I guess if the broken bones are his you would sing like a bird.”

This time the captain punches Iruka and splits his lower lip. Iruka doesn’t make a sound. He looks back at the captain with cold eyes.

Kakashi is fucked.

The enemies don’t know that chakra restraint techniques don’t work with the sharingan. Kakashi is reserving his limited last reserves for the last possible moment. He doesn’t want to deplete it completely and die.

Perhaps that last moment has come. He rubs his face against his shoulder to move away the cloth that covers his left eye. No one sees him, they are focused on Iruka.

“I will think of some questions to ask, later. First let’s warm up a little.” The captain seems ready to have a good time. He gets a kunai from his weapon pouch, with a grin of anticipation.

Kakashi tenses, ready to open his sharingan eye.

Before the captain can hit Iruka again something from the outside hits the tent canvas. The tent collapses, knocking the two enemy shinobi to the ground. Everything goes dark. There are screams outside. Chaos ensues.

 

⁂

 

Taking advantage of the confusion, Kakashi knocks his chair over to the floor and manages to get free of his bounds. He removes the chakra restraining tag from his neck, and seems to be able to breath freely again. Iruka managed to release himself too, and is on the ground struggling with genjutsu-man. Kakashi crawls behind him, grabs his head with both hands and breaks his neck without ceremony. After that he finds the captain, who is trying to untangle himself from the tent canvas, and slits his neck with his own kunai.

“Warm up complete,” Kakashi says, disgusted.

“Let’s get out,” Iruka says.

They move aside the tent entry flap and take a cautious peek outside.

And they are greeted by the sight and the sound of one of Gai’s boisterous Dynamic Entries. He is taking care of five Red Hand shinobi.

They dash into the fight and help him. After a while Anko and Genma join them. Owl and Team One are also there, killing enemies in the shadows.

The fight has ended. The campsite is now safe.

 


	29. Crystalline

Life back in Konoha for Iruka is strange after the intensity of the last days. It’s been only a week but it changed everything.

He hasn’t seen Kakashi since they came back to Konoha. He doesn’t want to think too much about him. About them. 

Because he is fucked if he has to get Kakashi out of his system again. He doesn’t think he will be able to go through it all a second time.

Also, he doesn’t want to. Not after seeing Kakashi’s feelings exposed like that. Not after getting so close to him.

He is giving Kakashi some time and the chance to make things right for once. But he will not wait forever. If Kakashi doesn’t come to him before Sunday he will go to Kakashi and make things clear.

 

⁂

 

Kakashi walks Yamato home after he’s been released from the hospital. Yamato is still weak but his wounds are healed. 

When they get to his building Kakashi puts his arms around Yamato and transports them both into his apartment. He helps him into the couch and tucks him in with a blanket and some pillows. Yamato still has to take it easy for a couple of days. No walking around or making any effort.

“There. I restocked your fridge with some fresh food. I also killed the new life forms that evolved there while you were away. You should have emptied the fridge before leaving.” 

"Thank you, senpai. I will be okay.” 

Kakashi can feel he will not be okay. He will be, physically. But his soul is troubled.

“Tenzou, stop mulling over it. It wasn’t your fault. You did your best."

“I lost two men and almost let Iruka-sensei be killed. They took me off-guard. I should have…”

“Stop. You know it’s a risk. Every mission we put our lives on the line, and the lives of the ones in our team. We all accept it. Would you have blamed me if you had died on one of the missions when I was your captain?”

“The dead don’t blame anyone. They can’t,” Yamato says, subdued. He sighs. “I know, senpai. I know I can’t save everyone. But it’s hard to swallow. I'm not okay right now. But I will be.”

Kakashi nods at him, relieved. He believes him.

Yamato changes the subject radically.

“Something happened in that hideout, didn’t it?”

Kakashi tenses. Yamato reads it as an answer.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Kakashi-senpai?” His tone is lighter. Almost mocking.

“I don’t know what you mean, Tenzou. Are you sure they didn't overdo it with the drugs at the hospital? You are babbling.”

“Yeah, sure. Well. I saw you two in the return trip. You seemed… Relaxed together. I’ve never seen you like that. Like you relieved some tension.” Yamato is smirking now.

“Definitely you need to rest or something. You are talking nonsense.”

“I'm telling you this very seriously, senpai: it seems Iruka-sensei is giving you another chance. If you don’t seize it I will personally make your life hell. Am I clear?”

“Crystalline.” Kakashi doesn’t have the heart to keep pretending Yamato is wrong.

“Good. Now go and fix things. You are a lucky bastard, you know?”

“Yes.” But he doesn’t feel like that. He mostly feels confused.

He pats Yamato’s knee with affection and leaves.

 

⁂

 

Kakashi goes to the memorial stone, trying to find some peace of mind. 

Iruka. He had it all under control. And now everything went to hell.

He knows he can’t go back to living without Iruka.

This is life-changing. He will have to rearrange his beliefs.

He will have to convince himself somehow that his own happiness deserves risking Iruka’s well-being. That there is a chance that a marred elite shinobi like him will bring something else than sorrow into his precious person’s life.

He still thinks it will not end up well. But he doesn’t have any other option anymore.

He can’t live without Iruka. He just can’t.

He will do his best. 

 

⁂

 

Iruka opens the door and lets Kakashi into his home.

“Took you long enough. I was about to go grab you by the scruff of your neck.” Iruka gives Kakashi a serene smile. He feels everything but serene, though. He feels his destiny is hanging by a thread.

“Iruka. Forgive me. For everything.”

So eloquent. Iruka’s anxiety spikes. Seems he will have to push Kakashi a little.

“You said up there in the rocks that you would think about how wrong you had been. You did?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“I would like us to be together. If you still would have me.”

A wave of relief sweeps over Iruka. He breathes a tremulous sigh and runs to hug Kakashi. 

“Iruka, how can you forgive me? How can you accept me after all I’ve done?” Kakashi’s voice is muffled by Iruka’s vest.

“Because I love you. I will repeat it until it gets into your thick head.” Iruka laughs into Kakashi’s neck. 

“But you know me, I’ve hurt you enough. I might hurt you even more.”

“No, you won’t. I won’t let you.” 

“But…” 

Iruka puts a hand over Kakashi’s mouth and tries to use his stern-teacher look, but he can’t contain his mirth.

“No buts. Less whining, more kissing. And groping.” 

Kakashi’s arguments can’t fight that. He can only stop resisting Iruka once and for all. 

He gladly complies with Iruka’s orders. 

 


End file.
